Sunday, September 26, 2010


Celebrating Five Years of Marital Bliss

Today Mr. Assmuppet and I are celebrating five years of marital bliss.

"But wait!" I hear you say. "You've been married far longer than five years!"

"Yes, we have," I reply politely, as I am always polite even when you make totally asswanked comments like that.

We've been together fourteen years almost to the day. I don't recall the date we first met but it was around this time of year, give or take a week. We met online and it was a long complicated thingie during which we both almost ran, seeing I was married to someone else at the time.

My first marriage was on the rocks. The first time we had mentioned divorce was two years prior to my encountering Mr. Assmuppet. Hubby #1 and I were all wrong for each other, but we just LIKED each other so much ... we were basically maintaining but we both knew it was only a matter of time. I, however, certainly wasn't looking for anyone. Because marriage sucked and I wanted nothing to do with it.

Mr. Assmuppet and I first met in person on December 26, 1996. Somehow he talked me into driving down there the day after Xmoose.

He had also talked me into proposing to him. We were talking online one night and he said something along the lines of "well, now we're brave enough to say the L word, you do know that if this works out I'm going to want to say the M word too." I said "What, do you want to get married?" And then he said "Yes, I accept."

I said "no no no, YOU have to propose to ME," and he said "why would I? You just proposed to me and I accepted."


I didn't know what he looked like. He had sent me one picture and it was fuzzy and I had a totally crap monitor so really even if it had been a good picture I wouldn't have had a clue.

I should have known at this point that it was going to be nothing but trouble, and yet I made plans to go see him. I sort of felt that I had to, seeing that we were engaged and all.

I was a fairly new driver. I didn't get my license until I was 33. There was no reason to do so; I lived in the city, parking was scarce and public transit was plentiful.

I got my license after my best friend died of AIDS in 1995 ... I regretted so badly not being able to take him out and about. Towards the end it was so hard for him to get anywhere, and I wished time after time that I had a car.

Anyhow, after Martin died, I swore I was never going to be in that position again, so I went and got my license and got me a Toyota Corolla. She kicked ass, and her name was Smedley. Yes, I know that's a boy's name and she was a girl but it was her choice and she served me well for many years.

So ... I had agreed to go and spend two or three days with this man in Tacoma, Washington. I got in the car on the morning of December 26th and started driving south. By the time I hit Seattle, even if I had changed my mind, the snow was so bad that there was no way I could have turned back.

They'd closed the highway behind me.

When I got to Tacoma ... well ... um ... (and anyone who's been reading me for any length of time could see this coming) ... I got lost.

I sort of thought I took the right exit but I was a newish driver and there was snow and I was in a strange country and who knew that right and left weren't the same thing and bla bla bla.

Fortunately I had a cellphone and I called. He answered and assumed that I was calling from Canada to say I couldn't get there because of the weather. Instead I was calling from outside of some strange chicken barbecue restaurant SOMEwhere in Tacoma saying I couldn't get back home so he'd have to tell me how to get there.

It took about another hour, and a couple of phone calls and a lot of sliding about on roads and some white knuckles but then I got there.

And, you know what? He was sort of a jerk.

I thought he didn't like me. He thought I didn't like him. We were snowed in and I couldn't get back home and had to stay for six days instead of the two or three that we'd planned.

And during that time ... well, it sort of worked out.

If I'd been able to leave after two days, we wouldn't be married right now, because it took him longer than that to start acting sort of normal and like he was happy I was there.

Boys are dumb.

I might have been a little dumb too.

And after I got home we talked every night online and we phoned and I visited and bla bla bla

I drove there almost every Friday night and back every Sunday for two years.

Eventually he moved to Canada and came to live with me and after a huge amount of paperwork, money, trials and tribulations we got hitched.

12 years ago today.

And so yes, it's our anniversary, but we're not celebrating 12 years of marital bliss, or at least I'm not.

Ben and I are both difficult people (you! In the back! The one who is gasping with almost-believable astonishment that I might be difficult ... shut up.)

At times our relationship has been utter goat-raping, bleach-swilling, assmangling hell.

And, like all marriages, at times it's been really fucking boring ... totally normal, nothing to report ... I bought a newspaper, he made toast and ate it, bla bla bla.

A lot of the time it's been "good" but not "bliss".

I figure, mathematically, out of the last 12 years, five of them have been bliss.

And that's a pretty good percentage, really.

Please join us in celebrating all of those twelve years, including the five of bliss.

I'm all for celebrations, and totally believe in making your own rules for them. Happy anniversary!
Many heartfelt wishes for your continued happiness! It is so refreshing to hear someone admit marriage is not always peachy. So here is to the peach years and the funny smelling green stuff in the back of the fridge years too.
Many heartfelt wishes for your continued happiness! It is so refreshing to hear someone admit marriage is not always peachy. So here is to the peach years and the funny smelling green stuff in the back of the fridge years too.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, you two crazy kids!

And I mean that literally.

But not the 'kids' part. Of course.
I could hum some inane song. . .

Happy day to you (and to Mr. assmuppet)
Congratulations and may your averages increase.
Yay!! Congrats. I know how hard that is- and I know how valuable it is. Please tell me you guys are getting drunk tonight!! (and it makes a great story, btw)
Toast, sounds like a good idea. A toast! To celebrating the good as well as the best. Huzzah!
LOVE your percentages...congratulations! (gotta play the percentages...)
Happy Anniversary: that's an ace story you have there, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Congratulations on your blissful five, and the good, boring rest of it.. plus may your times of "utter goat-raping, bleach-swilling, assmangling hell" be very few.
What a wonderful post. Great writing. And congrats on the anniversary too.
Happy and Congratulations and like that!

Reminds me of the time my sister saw one of those little florist cards on my refrigerator. It was from my husband and it said "thank you for 13 wonderful years" or something like that. She studied it for a while and then said, "but haven't you been married for longer than that?"

Ah ha ha!
Happy anniversary!
However, on Mindy's behalf, I must object to the goat-raping.

-- carol
Congratulations and happy anniversary, whichever one it is.
I love your calculations -- you've got that nailed, I think. And in the end, five years of bliss is nothing to sneeze at, especially once you've worked through all the rest of it to get to that bliss. Congratulations :)
Brilliant! I love it! My favourite 'how we met' story ever. Even though my internet-turned-facetoface romance didn't get anywhere near 5 years of bliss, I still like to hear that other people's did!
Congratulations on making it this far - wishing at least five more years of bliss before your 20th.
Happy anniversary, you two jerks! Awesome.
Thanks for sharing these personal bits with us, Ms. Bunny. There's a stranding-snow-storm and a Toyota Corolla in my romantic history too (although not in the same episode), so I really enjoyed hearing about yours. You and Mr. Ben Rabbit keep up the good work. The bliss isn't over yet, I'm sure.
Happy Anniversary sugar tits! I wish you two many more years of bliss and the rest that has to come with it.

You're all sorts of awesome.
A lot of people I know can't even claim that kind of bliss percentage. Congratulations to both of you.

Were you having your 5 years of bliss concurrent with Ben's five years of bliss?
Rabbitch, congratulations. Wishing you much joy ahead. I think I'll stick to childless singlehood myself. Regards, Sara.
Excellent work, ma'm! Five years out of fourteen is something to be proud of!
belated congrats on the blissful 5/12ths! that's about 4.5 12ths more than i managed in 12 years w/the x (technically 15 yrs -- 1 yr of cohabitation, 12 yrs of married-and-together, 2 years of his stalling a divorce that shoulda taken 2 months.)

may the next 12 have more than 5 years of bliss!
Oh, wow - Xmas 1996 in Seattle! I was visiting here and IT WAS BRUTAL! The snow was EPIC.
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