Tuesday, April 07, 2009


A Bowl Of Farts

You know, every now and again, you're sitting about and think "Oh man, it would be so good to have a bowl of farts here right now"?

Well, I have the recipe for you.

Two cups of lentils, well-washed. Wash 'em and wash 'em and wash 'em until all the chaff is gone.

Then put them in a pot overnight with some water.

Then need to cook something in the pot so move them into a bowl in an unobtrusive area of your house. Again with the water.

Then, three or four days later, begin to suspect that something has died under your house. Start searching about, sniffing all the time.

Eventually discover the bowl of lentils.

Poke a finger into the bowl of lentils and discover that there is a layer of snot over top of them. Once you have disturbed the layer of snot, discover the source of the smell.

Decide not to make soup with them after all.

And now, you have a bowl of farts, all ready to go.

Or a bowl of half-decomposed lentils, all ready to be flushed.

Your choice.

It's been smelly here today. How 'bout you?

Mmmm, faaaarts!
Heh.. oops.
Blech! Also? You don't have to pre-soak lentils. [duck]

Been there with lentils, however it only took about 18 hours in 42 degree heat! I thought you were talking about the household here. DD made black beans and rice for supper yesterday and have experience gaseous explosions sufficient to frighten the cats and the small children.
Probably a lot like the time I left a pound of shrimp in the trunk of the car for 4 days.
Do. . .do you want a *good* recipe for lentils? I don't mess about with the soaking whatnot. Here, this soup is fast, and yummy, promise.

Haleakala Red lentil Soup
1 cup red lentils
4 cups water
1/2 cup mild salsa, chunky, or chopped tomatoes
1 small onion, finely chopped
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2-1 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon coriander
1/2 teaspoon salt

Lentils, salsa, water, and onion in a pot, bring to a boil over medium high heat. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer for 15 minutes or until lentils are soft. Stir in the spices, simmer for another 20-30 minutes. Garnish individual bowls with fresh mint or cilantro.

I know you probably know what you're doing here, but new recipes can't hurt!
them that smelt it, delt it!
OMG, I can't believe I'm not the only one who's done that!
Best post title EVAR!!
I haven't been able to eat lentils since I vomited after eating lentil soup about 8 years ago. Which is a pity, because I make (made) kick-ass lentil soup. (For the record, the soup wasn't why I puked. Just so you don't think I'm that delusional about my cooking skills)

The thought of lentils as farts? Not making them any more appetizing to me!

(But - rather amusing!)
My husband is a 24/7 bowl of farts. Unfortunately I can't flush him down the toilet.
A variation on the recipe that has worked for me.

Completely cook the lentils and get interrupted by an unexpected visit of someone you haven't seen for ages.

Quickly tidy up the kitchen and put the pot of beans either under the counter or in a very high unaccessible place.

Leave untouched for one week or more.

Viola a beautiful pot of farts!!!
Ya'll are welcome to visit anytime.
Thanks for the morning larfola. My coworkers are wondering why I'm giggling over here like an eight year old again.

The first time I had a bowl of lentil soup was at my very first babysitting job. Of course I was polite and tried it. I wasn't going to tell my first customer "Yechhh what is this brown barf?!" then go home and explain it to my mom why I was home early. "She gave me a bowl of barf to eat, Mom! Eww!"

I've yet to have a nasty bowl of lentil soup but I'll pass on the bowl of farts.
Sounds like the time myhusband went on a fishing trip with some friends, and came home with a cooler full of fresh tuna. He accidentally left the cooler outside and went to bed. Got up the next morning and never again thought about the cooler. It was July....almost 100 degrees and you can imagine that by the end of day three every cat in the neighborhood was hanging out in our yard. THe entire neighborhood stank for two days...hate to think what that trash truck smelled like. Oh, and we threw the whole cooler away, because there was no way I would ever have allowed food to go back in there!
How timely! I was just thinking about making farts for dinner and couldn't find my recipe anywhere!
Oh, unfair! It's Passover and I'm the NO LENTIL kind of (non-practicing, ethnic) Jew! I owe you again, Rabbitch (oh - and did I tell you about the great Synchronicity-Spooky-Coincidental give you gave me?) Cue "Twilight Zone" music, I'll e-mail yah.
If you lived in Japan and did the same thing with soybeans, you'd have nato, which is considered delicious. But it also smells like a bowl of farts, and I haven't ever been able to bring myself to taste it.
I did that with a bread starter.

... my poor, sad sourdough starter :(
it was very yummy, but I haven't been allowed to restart one.

But the first thing that came to mind was "oh, you have one of those too"
my cousin, who pitches in her softball team, discovered one day that she could do the same with gas. oi.
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