Thursday, November 20, 2008


It's 2am, Do You Know Where Your Penis Is?

Mine seems to be missing.

I was talking to my friend Marilyn a couple of weeks back and during our conversation I said that I hardly ever checked my mail at bunniegirl at shaw dot ca. I mean once every few months.

The reason for this is that Shaw Cable is perhaps the worst ISP in the entire universe. They certainly provide internet access, more or less, most of the time (and there's nobody else around here from whom I can buy cable access and you know with all of the downloading of the porn and such I really need the speed) but as for their reliability in terms of email, they are vile. Completely incompetent and possibly verging on criminally negligent. There is absolutely no argument that they could present in their defense to explain the years of utterly appalling service I have received from them. (Dear Shaw Cable, if you happen to stumble across this post and feel like emailing me about this, I suggest that you send it to my gmail account, as if you send it through your own server the likelihood of my getting it is less than 80%. Please note that if you do email me about it at any of my email addresses, I won't respond. Because you suck. Donkeydicks.)

Anyhow, as I was talking to Marilyn I thought I'd just check my Shaw mail account and suddenly I was downloading either 2796 or 2976 emails. A lot. Close to three thousand; apparently I hadn't checked in about six months.

After several hours of work I was left with about 70, only ten or so of which I've dealt with ... if you've written to me there, on the small chance that I actually got it, I'm getting to you; you should hear from me this week.

Anyhow, most of the emails seemed to concern my penis.

Now, I would have written it all off as spam but there were so many many people who seemed genuinely concerned. Not all the same people, either. Robert987 told me how I could add 3" to it, Brenda45 told me how I could add 4" even! And then there were the people with the Viagra (or the Vi*gra) and the Cialis (or, again the C*alis) who wanted to talk to me about the erectile dysfunction I was experiencing with my elusive penis.

I'm getting really concerned; I mean not ALL of these people could be spammers, could they? I think I'm going to have to go look for it again.

Perhaps I left it in my other pants.

It's probably the same place I must have left mine. You know, if someone took up all these offers, their penis would be approximately 27 miles long. Now there's a thought.
just so long as you don't have to buy it back from a street vendor.
Maybe it's a detachable penis...
I think mine is currently at work, considering that his car and a deer had a collision last Friday.

It's not like it could go anywhere, what with not having transportation.
Now I'm gonna be singing the Detachable Penis song all day.
If you find a spare one lying around, could you let me know? I'd really like a raise someday, and the evidence around here suggests that having a penis would help immensely. Apparently my uterus isn't worth much on the job market...
Really funny post. Except about the ISP cable source. Have you noticed that the prime-time cable ads for enhancers often feature actors who somehow look like they're moonlighting from X-rated work?
I get 10-25 emails a day telling me I'm not satisfying my partner. Since the internet is telling me this you just know it's true so I asked the Husbeast...he still hasn't given me an answer. Perhaps the InnerNets is right?!? ;)
if you find yours, would you check and see if mine is there, too? i just got an email asking if i was pleasuring my wife like i should. hmmmmmm. same sex marriage isn't legal in nebraska, is it?
Gosh, I've been looking for mine for years, it would surely increase my salary by at least 40%.
hmmm... I did email you, but not about your penis. So, maybe mine were lost in the shuffle? LOL - because, shuffling penises is really funny, if you think about it!
I'm sure you left them in your other pants because the pair of brass ones you always travel with get heavy.
I completely agree with you on Shaw's incredible service and speed. Their prices are pretty darn good too.

Also, have you checked the blank pants? Bet it's there.
Yay!! I'm famous!!!

I've been looking for a penis to call my own (well, really just to use now and again. Or, more correctly, now and again and again.)

However, despite the lack of penis, I'm still famous!! Yay!!!

I'm letting the boyfriend keep mine in his pants.
You know, I just had a lecture on how to help out a penis that's not working. Want me to take a shot? I'm not really qualified, so I won't charge.
That takes care of my keyboard. I wish you were my sister and I wish you lived next door.
i laughed amazingly hard at all of this.
i am almost at the point of tears.
thank you, i needed that.

also, if you find yours, could you ask it if it has seen mine?
calling john wayne bobbitt!

at least I know where my balls are...
I use yahoo and I get the same penis ads. I asked the old fart if I had one (I mean I'm past 55 now, the memory bank ain't what it used to be, maybe I have one and forgot) He said "no", so I guess I don't.
I also get waaaay too many offers on heavy equipment...manlifts and things. Are these to lift my amazingly large penis??
On the "penis for a raise". I once asked my boss if I'd get a raise if I had penis, cause if so I'd order one off the net. He didn't laugh. Mind you I knew I was quitting the damn MCP place so I didn't much care, but you never know. Buy one, hold it in your hand, go in, ask for a raise.
Mine is at home doing laundry while I work the 9-5. Oh, and he does windows, too.
Perhaps your penis is out running around with my virginity and my mind since I have been missing both of those for quite some time. If you find them, could you please send them home?? Thanks for a great giggle that I had trouble explaining to my 9 year old.
I'm sure there's a spare to suit your preferences in the luggage you're storing for me.
Don't forget to check the washing machine. You know how socks go missing and end up in a parallel universe, maybe your penis is just keeping them company.

Great post.
Definitely go with Brenda45, you get an extra inch for free! Such a baaagan!
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