Saturday, December 22, 2007


The Dreaded Christmas Knitting

There's been nary a Rabbitch-shaped blip on the radar for a week or so, and the reason for this is The Dreaded Christmas Knitting.

I believe TDCK is also responsible for the state of my bathroom, the fact that there are no clean dishes in the house and is also possibly the reason that Britney Spears's younger sister is pregnant.

(There can be no other possible explanation for that as she allegedly "is very responsible and never comes home after curfew". Apparently all of the fucking has nothing to do with it. If only I had known this earlier I could have saved a fortune in birth control.)

No, the evil that is TDCK knows no bounds. It has brought greater knitters than I to their knees and has, in fact driven some of them to madness (dudes, she thinks she's finishing a sweater) and yet every year I nurture this tiny hope in my increasingly-gravitationally-challenged breast that this year -- by god, this year -- will be the one where all members of my family, and indeed all inhabitants of my immediate neighbourhood, will be ensconced in knitted goodness.

This year I set my sights low. Even lower than the aforementioned slowly-deteriorating body parts.

I decided I would make socks. One pair of socks, that's it.

In worsted.

Sounds simple, you say? Doable, even?


I forgot to take into account that I work every day. At least eight hours every day. And that sometimes they expect me to work at work (unreasonable icehole bastages, aren't they?). I forgot to take into account that although there is much valuable knitting time available on public transit, if you use 14" Addi Turbos like I do much of the time, that there is often not enough room to wield these lovingly-crafted implements of creation. (There are not words enough to tell you how much I love these needles. I have one set in one size. I plan on spending my child's college fund on expanding my collection in the coming year. And then in 2009 we start on the Lantern Moons with which I also have an unnatural relationship.)

I forgot to take into account that it rains pretty much 24/7 in Vancouver at this time of year; therefore, bus stop knitting is out of the question and that even if there were room on the bus to perform the knittage, everything is damp and if you take your knitting out of the bag it, too, will become damp.

I also forgot to take into account that I get sick every Christmas (I'm fighting it. This battle I shall win, if no other.), that my family gets sick every Christmas (E is sick and it doesn't bother her a bit. Ben is apparently at death's door. I never knew there were terminal colds out there but one is never too old to learn something new.) and that because of the temporarily-terminal illness of the rest of my family that all of the cooking and cleaning and holiday preparations will fall upon my capable, but sadly only human, shoulders.

I also forgot to take into account the fact that I had a ton of wool to dye and get out the door (some orders are delayed and will go out on the 27th. Life is like that sometimes) that I actually had to go over town and buy said fibre, and that I had also agreed to knit a dozen washcloths for someone at work. (It's money. I cannot be bought but easy rental terms have never been a problem.)

All of this excuse-making is just practice for my small speech on Christmas evening, when I present my mother with 3" of ribbing for one sock.

I bought liquor. I'm hoping it helps dull the disappointment.

It's certainly helping me.

heh. I'll be under the counter drinking bleach by the time X-Moose is over.. should you need me. Both the child and I are sick as well but I've been sucking down Zycam like its going out of style and am hoping to head this crap off. Otherwise I'm likely to snap and off the in-laws this year.
I will now hold you and paragraph #3 responsible for the coffee that just spewed from my nostrils and across the table. Gracias.

And why not just knit one of those tiny ornament sized socks and present your mother with a sample of what she will be receiving?
Oddly enough, once I publicly announced that there would be no Christmas Knitting coming from The Sheep Household this year, I suddenly found the will to knit something. Not all the wonderful things I'd planned back in June when I had all the time in the world, mind you. But a couple of scarves did get finished.

The trick is just being a contrary sort of human being who refuses to keep her promises. Say you won't do it and it will be done.

But, I'd have the booze handy, just in case...
I vote that we all exchange presents for Martin Luther King Jr's birthday this year. That's when we send cards in my household (Christmas cards are passe, I tell you), and that's when we should exchange gifts. If you tell your mother that you've begun to celebrate random American winter holidays, maybe that'll get you off the hook until mid-January? Hell, if you go for President's Day, you'd have until mid-February, even. You could claim that you're cutting edge. Or supporting your Presidentially-challenged southern neighbors. I'd have a bottle of whiskey nearby though, just in case that doesn't work.
Knitting Linguist, *you* are responsible for everything (fortunately OTHER THAN my laptop) flying off my TV tray as I leapt to my feet shouting "AMEN BRUTHAH" to your "Presidentially-challenged southern neighbors". No one was actually harmed, however. (Daisy the Dell was clutched in my death grip, as usual). Rabbitch - for the mini-sock as a token for La Maman. Sort of a "promissocky". I'm not knittin' for Christmas either - but the husband has me chained in the basement until I finish the outstanding toques. Or I guess his name or wossname. Can you tell I'm getting whippy with the onset of The Holiday? (In case I haven't said it before, I lurve your blog &c &c &c!)
PS: that should have read "GO for the mini-sock... {duuuuh}
Forget the sock (or the mini sock) you can knit one of these for the cap korknisse

Then proceed to get your mother drunk and she will never know that you didn't knit her some socks.
Apparently my husband also has the dreaded cold. You forgot to mention how it causes them to snore and snuffle and make all sorts of disgusting phlegm-related noises while the family stalwart is trying to effing sleep.

Oh, I forgot. You don't get to sleep, do you?

Why don't you just bind off the ribbing and say they are wristwarmers?
I started early. Knit two size 18 months guernseys to the armpit while in AZ the first week of November. Then the kindly people who helped straighten the house for Thanksgiving put the pattern SOMEWHERE IN A BOX. Can't find the pattern locally. Aargh! I'm on my third Wonderful Wallaby for the grandkids. I even had the sense to start with the largest one, so now I'm a third of the way through the size 4 after completing a women's petite and a size 10. Unfortunately, I still have to cut PVC pipe for 7 looms and assemble them. At least I have till Friday. I think the socks are totally doable. But then, I am insane.
I hear you on the lack of bus stop knitting. Mine is no train station knitting. Not because of the rain (although apparently that's due to start again on Tuesday) but because it's too cold to hold the needles.

At least rain should warm things up enough for that I guess.

The only thing I've knit for Christmas this year is a baby cardigan. And I'm actually using Christmas as an excuse for why it wasn't ready for the baby's birth.
I, too, am in the middle of a pair of socks for a Christmas present, just now getting to the heel on sock #1, ready for the heel on sock #2 (there are reasons for buying more than one set of needles in the same size at the same time), but I fear they will be a New Year's present instead. Oh, I hear you on the being-expected-to-work-at-work part. And lunch hours aren't long enough, ever. O, well. Merry Christmas to you and yours, my dear. Have some eggnog, without the egg part, and relax. Hugs, Ell
You should probably watch this, since your husband is at death's door and all.
I share your frustration with the enormous investment in birth control. After all, I spent the first 15 years of my life (under the guidance of the nuns at my school) believing that even sitting next to someone in a bathing suit would get you pg - I was thoroughly surprised to learn the f*&)(ing part was essential and still no assurance. GAwd, I'm glad to know that it all boils down to your failed Xmas knitting that got that poor girl in trouble! At least now I can hope she won't end up being another apple that didn't fall far enough from the family tree - she has a brighter destiny now that you've released her from the curse!

Why didn't I think of liquor? I got candy. Got food. Got butter. Forgot liquor. See how misguided my life gets without your posts?
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Rabbitch and family!
I am way ahead of you on the Lantern Moon love! I have two sets of their dpns and I heart, nay, HEART them!
My great sadness re: the Spears situation is that the publication of her mother's book on how to raise celebrity kids has been delayed. What a good holiday present that might have been!

Anyway--liquor, chocolate, and a full scale implementation of our pal Knitting Linguist's plan. I'm all for it.
Knit, schmit - just draw a picture of the socks and tell your mom you're sick. (Yes, I realize this probably won't go over well, but it's worth a try. Knitting Linguist's whisky bottle sounds like a workable distraction until you can implement her plan, though. If your mom won't drink it, at least you can after you lose control and hit her over the head with it. Christmas stress, y'know.)

I'm almost afraid to wish you a Merry Christmas lest you drop dead, but since I'm evil like that, I will anyway - and may you all survive the holidays!
Hats.... I'm knitting hats....
On December 24th.
The last hat.
Only about 4 inches left!
There is a God!
Merry Chrismakwanzakah! Ramadan-a-ding dong New Year!
I see no problem. 3" of rib is a trendy wristband.
Never knit on public transport - your tension goes all to hell....
And have a good Christmas !
Hope your Christmas was a great one. I finished all of my Christmas knitting only because I didn't plan any. Next year, same! Alcohol is the best substitute indeed!
I give those kinds of gifts with the needles attached... tell the recipient they're getting a ninja gift, careful when you open it!
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