Thursday, September 13, 2007


No Rest For The Wicked

The man walked into the room. The remains of the day's heat hung in the air. The silence was broken only by the small sounds of the woman working in the corner.

The woman looked up from the fleece she was slowly turning into yarn.

"I'm home. Did you rest today?"

"No, it's been busy."

The man frowned.

"We get paid tomorrow," she said. "I'm going to need to buy a few things."

"Such as?"

"A call display box for the phone. A reverse phone directory. Some street maps. A rifle with a scope."

The former Marine nodded slowly. She had finally come around to his way of thinking. They always did.

"This country is full of lily-livered peacemongers who wouldn't know a good semiautomatic weapon if it bit them on the butt," she said. "Which it will."

The man nodded, in full understanding.

"Who was it today?" he asked.

"First I won a vacation."

"Where to this time?"

"I don't remember. Somewhere in the mountains."

"What did you tell them?"

"That I could never go back there, not since the last time, when the shark ate my grandfather."

"The lakes in the mountains are fresh water. There are no sharks."

"That's what the woman on the phone said. I told her that she was heartless and that she wasn't the one sitting there with her grandfather eaten by a shark. She tried to get me to make a reservation anyhow but I wasn't buying it. You can never be too careful with sharks."

"Was she the only one?"

"No, about an hour later there was a man from one of the political parties asking if his candidate could count on my vote."


"I had to tell him that I really couldn't make up my mind until after the investigation was complete."


"Rape. Kittens. Christian kittens, even. Six of them."


"He didn't seem to think so. He was pretty disturbed by it. I'm surprised they don't give that sort of information to the people working for them. I asked him to call back if his candidate was acquitted, but I don't think he will."

"They must not really want your vote."

"Apparently not. And then there was another call, about 45 minutes later, from a woman with an amazing limited-time offer to clean our carpets for half-price."

"That could come in handy."

"I don't think they want our business any more. She got nervous when I asked her how much extra they would charge to get out really big blood stains. I suppose the screaming and throwing things against the wall was overkill."

"No, I think that was just about right."

"Maybe you're right, but I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have asked her what she was wearing. Oh hell, look at the time, I have to get going."

"Remember you work a double tomorrow. You might want to unplug the phone in the morning. You could think of it as a public service."

"Yeah, ok. I won't have the time to shop tomorrow then, but I'm still getting the rifle on Tuesday."

The woman picked up her bag and left the house, ready to work the graveyard shift on only three hours of sleep, yet again.

Next week she was going to return some calls.

Feel the darkness flowing within you. The aye-ayes approve of this post.
Oooh, aye. I've had those days - before I terminated the land line phone.

Now all I have to do is worry about door to door spiritual salespersons. Or, rather, they have to worry about me and what I'd do to them if they dared knocking before 15:00.

Carpe Noctem!
I can't do anything but smile... hope you get those rat bastards and convince them to stop waking you up While you're at it, tell them to stop bothering the woman who always says she's "just hopped out of the shower." (I know, it's a bit more passive-aggressive than your approach, but it seems to work. Answering the door clad in a short towel usually gets rid of the door-to-door ones.)
I have often wished for a button on the phone that when pushed would send a bit of a 'zap' to the caller.

word verification.. wddik
SOTFWHWL! (Squirming On The Floor Whilst Howling With Laughter)
PMPACTTWHWL (pissing my pants and crapping them too whilst howling with laughter)

All that -- and she can write, too.
Could you tell them on the phone that you're on the way out the door to purchase that rifle with the scope? And please let me know if it works over the phone, because I'll be buying one next ... man, I'm SICK of those callers! LOL
"Rot in hell, you sleep-depriving bastards, and take me off your list" works for me.
My friend used to ask them what they were wearing. She said once she even got a guy to tell her details, all the way to boxers-or-briefs. Then she said, "Thanks, that's very helpful" and hung up.
Uh, don't call me - I'll call you? Maybe it's my southerner-raised catholic-panic disorder but when I read you'd be returning calls - all my wee brain could think was, "oh shit, did I call her?"

I'ma shiverin' with fear. Please don't hurt me.
That poor woman. Unplugging the phone during the day would be a good idea.

If it's someone important, they'll call back.
Precisely why I'll never go into sales.
Precisely why I never, ever answer my phone anymore.
*snigger* You can rant to me all about it tonight.
You could always ask if they will hold on for a minute, set the phone down and walk away. A guy I know actually does that, and has had a few morons that will actually stay on the line for over an hour. He does check back every twenty minutes or so.

He was contacted by a major news network for a random phone survey once, that was really not good.

Oh, and my Mom has a backhoe, just in case, I am only hours south of you.
This is absolutely priceless. I completely agree with you about the stupid, stupid callers who you could care less about and maybe if a few more of us passed around the semi automatic weapons with scopes, we wouldn't get so many calls.
Precisely why my friends are astonished when I actually answer the phone...

My current response is "Put me on your "Do Not Call" list. Right now. Do I need to speak to your supervisor?"
Heh. I give the phone over to my 10 month old. Might as well be useful, that's what I say.
I read this blog and never comment - so here I am. This entry just took me away - it was like reading a cool play. I also like your comments here/there all over the web and pictures of where you! oh and knitting and fleecey things.
I am in complete agreement with you., being an ex-night shift worker myself. I got so sick of "needless" phone calls and knocks at the door by salespeople. I put a sign up at my front door, but some folk obviously can't read.

Can you buy 2 rifles, and send one to me, completely dispmantled and hidden inside other stuff as they are illegal here. You can mail the assembly instruction seperately. he he.

I have never been more relieved then when we got a cheapie answering machine, turned the phone ringer off, and stopped answering the phone. They can leave a damned message. And I don't have to return it, plus I get the fun of cheerfully deleting it. As my late DH said, the phone does not have a Constitutional right to be answered! (And I really, really like the rifle idea.)
i'm in like with the legislator who wrote the "do not call list" law. back when we had a land line, we signed up for it as soon as it was available.

unfortunately, it doesn't apply to quite everyone -- newspapers and any bank or insurance company you've ever dealt with can call.

does anyone have good tactics for getting rid of door-to-door missionaries in such a way that they would rather go to hell than come to your door again? (just askin, that's all . . . )

ellen in indy
Ellen, personally I use two very very loud dogs. I've had people blown all the way off the porch by them. Needless to say, they are actually dolls and bark that way because my Mom is deaf and otherwise wouldn't answer the door at all, but it comes in darned handy. My neighbor used to keep a basket of randomly chosen counter-leaflets, and then counter-evangalizes them.

As for the callers - I go with - "What is your company name? We are on the "do not call list and I am now reporting you to the FTC. Good luck paying the fine and have a nice day." Surprising if our nothern friends didn't have a similar law.....
Assuming that the Marine in question is your husband, he sounds like the perfect guy for a conversation like this! I love how very calmly and supportively he responds when you tell him of your call response tactics. Do you think he could do training sessions for the husbands of all overworked fiber fields?
Let me know if you can't find an untraceable weapon....I live in of big guns!
I had Jehovah's Witnesses come to the door once....they said, "We'd like to introduce you to God" and I said, "Thank you, but we've met" and closed the door.

You were writing in a "Heming-way"....loved it!
I LOVE it that PICAdrienne actually offered her Mom's backhoe. Knit bloggers are the best accomplices in the world.

Kill Pussycat! Faster, faster!

word verification: elfjphca

sounds like a new wool, made from elves

This made me laugh. Please don't hurt me. I couldn't help it. It was an evil laugh and brought on by images of those nasty phone elves getting their just desserts while they made their calls.

I'm on your side. The laughing was involuntary.

Encore, encore.
Well, I have to say I LOVE the do-not-call list. Doesn't mean that "surveys" and my alma mater begging me for money (dudes? Like you didn't get enough out of me in tuition when I was a student there?) don't sneak through.

With the missionaries, it's kind of difficult. I've found that the LDS missionaries, if you politely tell them either "it's not a good time now" (having a phone ringing off the hook in the background, a pot boiling over on the stove, and a beeping smoke alarm helps,) or telling them, "Thanks, I have a spiritual home already."

With others - and around here I get the Southern Baptists asking me "If you were to die tomorrow, do you know where you'd spend eternity?" which I find an unsettling and off-putting question EVEN THOUGH I am a Christian, a tight smile and an "I'm sorry, I'm on my way to work a funeral/run Youth group/sing in the choir/whatever volunteer work seems reasonable at my church" sometimes helps.

I had a friend who used to simply say, "I'm very sorry, but we are Druids" to the missionaries and I guess that worked. (Perhaps showing up to the door in a rough brown hooded robe, with a golden sickle in your hand, would help).

Another friend of mine has a "No Solicitors" sign where she's also added "And that includes religious solicitors!" If someone comes to her door, she merely points to the sign.

Feigning non-speakage of English could work, but that's risky - what if you pretend to be French and it turns out the person at the door is from Quebec originally?
Oh my, now that the tears streaming down my face have abated, I can see the screen to tell whether the shaking that's still going on has turned what I think I"m typing into gibberish.
I SO enjoyed the responses to the evil telemarketers.
thank you thank you.
I may have to apply some of those very tactics.
I have taken the precaution of putting us on the DoNotCall List. It's abated some of the annoyances.
I've also signed up for PrivacyManager with our phone company. ... if the caller's phone number won't include a name on my caller ID, they have to go through some machine thing that makes them tell me who they are, and I can refuse to accept the call. Usually, they hit that and just hang up. (It would have cost money, but my "plan" includes one more "feature" than we'd use, I chose that one).
Alas, it doesn't stop the survey folks.
Absolutely hilarious! Thanks for a much needed laugh!
I loved this so much, I'm actually humping the computer screen right now.
Ooo, Christian kittens--I definitely have to add that to my political investigations. The only thing missing from your list is "hit-n-run deaths of six retarded children."

I, for one, believe you about the sharks--several of my relatives have been eaten by various things in the mountains.

And by the way, I'm still damn impressed with your spinning--I tried to spin this weekend and it just came out looking like one of my cat's hairballs.


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