Tuesday, June 26, 2007


Above It All

It would seem that everyone's having problems these days.

Everyone but me, that is.

Jodi is having trouble with her waterworks (if you'll excuse me for mentioning it), Stephanie's half-baked, and Big Alice has been rediscovering the delights of vomiting but I, dear friends, am above it all.

I've decided that the best possible approach to robust mental health, is to deny everything. Either that or pretend you like it that way.

Therefore, the dryer that my husband hasn't fixed despite his repeated promises to do so? Not a problem. I prefer my clothing damp anyhow. The crown that just fell off one of my teeth? Ah, I've always wanted to be called Peggy* Stumpy. My daughter's missing backpack (complete with her planner, her lunch kit, 9 zillion important notices and two expensive toys)? Oh, it would have been too heavy to carry home from school anyhow, and she can eat sand for lunch tomorrow.

I'm having a little more trouble accepting the fact that I'm better off without a car (the engine seized completely yesterday and there's no point in even asking what it will cost to repair it) or that it's a good thing we're not going away to the States to see my mother-in-law (who I like a lot) next week, but hey, I'll just have to work on it. I'm thinking the three (or more) hours a day I now have to spend on the bus will give me lots of thinking time.

and if you're looking for me, i'll just be right over here, under the kitchen sink, drinking bleach ...

*edited to add: i know two people who are called peggy. i like them both and they both read this blog, so that was horribly insensitive of me. i blame the contact high i got from the junkies on the bus. i apologize. please note appropriate editing has taken place.

I hate myself
I hate myself
and YOU, i HATE YOU.
I , I do drugs
I do drugs
and glue, I sniff glue!

(just another great Dead Milkmen song that came to mind because I couldn't remember the lyrics to their drinking bleach song. I mean, really, I don't hate you - you know that)
The engine is obviously trying to screw with your 'la la la I can't hear you' approach.
Look scary on the bus, knit much, and, if you get in trouble, try quacking like a duck real loud - that worked for me once.
Maybe there'll be a party at the beach
We'll bitch about life and chugalug bleach....
Don't you wanna hang out with the Bleach Boys baby?
In a world where midgets run for mayor
Don't you wanna drink some bleach tonight?

(from "Bleach Boys" by the Dead Milkmen)

So funny that Farm Witch thought of the Dead Milkmen, coz that was the first thing I thought of, too!

Good luck! Sounds like life's even more exciting for you than for me right now...oy!
You don't want my f--ing list either. Save me my usual spot under the sink.. I'll bring the lemony fresh bleach and a shot glass.
( I think there's enough for EACH of us to have 1/4 cup.. hee hee)
Hey, bus time = knitting time! We all expect socks.
erm, i think drain cleaner is more effective.

just sayin'.
Just don't go for snorting the Clorox bleach powder, you know what happened to that girl in the Cheech & Chong movie. She just got high.


Aside from duck-quacking, you can always tell 'em you're crazy. I did that with a persistent idiot on our MAX train once. (Didn't have any knitting, he'd just zeroed in on me. I dunno why I'm so attractive - but I digress.) When he asked me why I didn't work, for some damnfool nosy reason, for once I had a good comeback; I looked at him with a slightly mad smile and said, "Oh, I'm crazy. I've got government papers to prove it." Which was perfectly true, if you define clinical depression and a diagnosis of permanent disability as 'crazy'. [veg] I kept smiling, and he backed off in a hurry. One of the shining moments of my life!

Sympathies, and good luck vibes on at least something! I hope you're at least well-supplied with wine or Scotch??
Bunairlines returns to icanhascheezburger. It's not much but all I can offer at the moment.
Don't drink the bleach! You'll need that for the laundry...oh wait...dryer broken...

maybe you can bake your clothes dry like Stephanie did with the "big pink thing"?

AND, since she doesn't have an oven, maybe she can put her food in the dryer to warm up! Popcorn anyone?

Right, off for more coffee. How big is your undersink area anyhow? I might stop by later.
Couldn't get much more exciting than that. I'm amazed at how well you're doing.
Maybe the bleach will clean out your intestines?

*trying to be Little Mary Sunshine but I'm 68% evil so it's really hard*
Ah, the joys of bus riding. Our car is dead too, but even if it weren't I'd still have to ride the bus a lot because with all the crazy traffic in this place, even all the time on public transportation still works out to less than it would be if I drove. As for the dryer, if you're getting weather anywhere near as hot as Toronto, what's the point in having dry clothes anyway? They'll just be sweat-soaked within 5 minutes of leaving the house. Have you tried the new rain-fresh bleach?
Oh, I love the Dead Milkmen lyrics! Allow me to go a little more Kindergarten on you:

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me
I'm goin' to the garden to eat worms
Long thin slimy ones, short fat fuzzy ones
Ooey gooey, ooey gooey worms

Long thin slimy ones slip down easily
Short fat fuzzy ones don't
Short fat fuzzy ones stick to your teeth
And the juice goes slurpin' (slurping noise) down your throat

I know ther's abut a million versions of this song, but I like this one best!
Well, I was eating lunch. So many lovely lyrics to such uplifting tunes.

Seized engine = car f***ed, throw it out.

Have you tried leaving the wet clothes on your "handy" man's side of the bed every night for a week? Put a garbage bag down on your side, then a thin foam mat and your sheets go over all that. Then you can put soaking wet clothes on his side and yours will stay relatively dry. Flick the wet sheets and blankets over him, pull out your warm sleeping bag and snore as loudly as you can while he attempts to sleep in the wet spot. Gives a new not fun meaning to that one.
oh god, not the car. Is it finally really dead? bleh.
Delights of vomiting = I think I've lost 3 pounds since last week. But you know, a little purge is probably good for me.
I'm so sorry everything's been going to shit so quicklike lately. I hope it turns around soon.
Shot glass, hell! I'm bringing brandy snifters for our lemon bleach. What's up with these bastards trying to bother us? I am perfectly content in my world - all of my personalities get along really well. You should see us kick ass and take names on the bus!
Just don't forget the beer chaser.
gwzzzp -- which i read as gee -- whuzzup? -- was my verification word . . .

and it's also my question: whuzzup? rabbitch's car and dryer die, stephanie's stove dies and my faithful 10-year-old amana washer dies.

at our house, we use powerded oxygen bleach, so i can't even join y'all in a drink. just TRY and chugalug powdery stuff!

ah, well -- look up the alchemist's drinking song online if you want appropriate music.

(and if you can sing it drunk, you deserve a medal. it starts off, "paradimethylaminobenzaldehyde . . . "

ellen in indy (and in mourning for my washing)
Good God - I thought my month sucked ass, but Lady - your's takes the cake.

Please stay away from the bleach - it's not so good for the insides. I would suggest something more appropriate - a good beer or a solid night's sleep. Or, stop over to my blog and enter the contest for a chance to win a wooly prize.
Denial is such a lovely state, even seen from the windows of a bus.

Most of the time my knitting keeps the seat next to me vacant unless the bus fills. Sometimes it becomes an oddball magnet. Still, it's worth testing out. Socks get a lot of respect from strangers.
Glad to see you're not amoung those of us having problems! I must being good too, cause I'm only 2 life events away from becoming country music fodder. I always enjoy a nice 97 bleach myself. Light and flowery, yet it has that nice piquant twang to it.
pls pls pls describe brain of syphilitic weasel, as fear i may suffer from same complaint??? ;)
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