Monday, May 28, 2007


The Horrible Boob-Morphing Bra

sung to the tune of gilligan's island

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of some lovely tits
That started out just looking fine
And then soon gave me fits

The left was a mighty boob of note
The right one perky too
The pair of them had many fans
And I liked them too, and I sure liked them too

I had to go outside one day
I firmly set my jaw
I looked in the dresser for my underwear
And found a strange black bra, and found a strange black bra

The bra was black and engulfed in lace, the contours they were fine
With underwires
Some lycra too
Some ribbons too and a bow
Some hooks of steel
The fiberfill and bits of foam
Here on RabbitBoob Isle

So this is the tale of the breasts of bun
Been here for a long, long time
We’ve had to make the best of things
They’re sure in decline

I wore it to the the Super Store
I went to get some food
And little did I know right then
I’d better have gone nude

I went to get a box of juice
From the very lowest shelf
And when I stood right back up
I didn’t believe myself

My boobs had started sliding forth
And when I stood back up
I realized that each boob of mine
Had sprung another pup

And so I stood there quite aghast
All four-breasted was I
I didn’t know what I should do
I thought I’d like to die

I grabbed a handy spatula
And scooped the things back in
I paid for the juice and got right out
They won't let me back again

So take this as a warning tale
When putting on your bra
If you don't know where the hell it came from
Leave it in the cah (with a nod to my friends from Bahstun)

you're welcome

thank you!
Now I'll be singing that all day!

Too funny :)
I don't seem to have bras that appear from nowhere....but underpants? Yes, those occasionally show up. And I haven't worn them yet, but I have this awful feeling that if I did, I'd wind up with monster wedgies....

is there any other garment we have such a love/hate relationship with as we do with bras?

especially now that girdles are passe?

sure, we could riff on panties awhile. my daughter sometimes ridicules my "granny panties," which -- as a granny -- i feel perfectly entitled to wear, thankyouverymuch! i look at her thongs and think why not just go commando if that's what you consider underwear. i remember janet evanovich's line in one of her stephanie plum tales -- something to the effect that thong underwear is fine if you like flossing your butt.

but seriously, is there anything more infuriating than a bra that doesn't fit right? (i'm not really sure there's any other kind, but i'll give them the benefit of the doubt.) if the cups are right, the straps don't stay up. if the cups and straps are right, there's not enough fabric along the side to support the chub under the pits. if all of the above are ok, the fastener will suddenly unfasten of its own volition. and if everything else is perfect, the straps will somehow show -- and they'll look dirty because someone threw that bra into a load with bluejeans.

a. nonnie mouse
Been there, done that. Bought the t-shirt. Hahahahaah.
Incredible song-writing, but I wanted video with that.
Dang, I hate it when that happens! My only resort - living such an active lifestyle - has been to adopt the spandex (aka: ace bandage sewn into some lycra torture device) sport bra. Sure, it doesn't have lace. And, admittedly, it is rather blah - but it does make the dogs sit up and bark without you having to watch them chase cars in the parking lot, if you know what I mean.
Oh, well done! I don't overspill cups too much, but my boobs start under my armpits, and bringing all that flesh around to fit in is a challenge. Some days more than others. :)
*snorts her coffee* holy crap.
What, you don't like it when your bra snaps up under your chin and your boobs don't follow?
What store was this?
I wanna avoid buying that spatula.
I'm laughing so hard that said boobs are glued to my knees even worse than usual (since I'm doubled over and snorting loudly). I also have several horrible boob-morphing bras - one of which failed me when I hit it big on the roulette table, jumped up yelling, and both huge globs of flesh came flying out of it, knocking all the chips off the table. But that's another story. As for the underpants... well, let's just say that if I wore anything other than granny support panties, they would disappear in the nether regions, never to be found again.
Well, I broke an underwire in the middle of an exam once. (just went "snap") and the right half of my 38 DDD's went woefully unsupported.
Talk about your boob morphing!
Luckily it was winter and I was able to fling on the coat for the subway ride home.
Leslie - the knitting therapist
So are you Ginger? Or Mary Ann?

Wait -- you're Mrs. Howell.
::loud snorking:: Ohdeargod! That should be an anthem. Somewhere. With full orchestration.

And if it's not one of the other joys mentioned, it's the damned straps rolling into tubes as they head for freedom, merrily booking down your shoulders as you wince 'n tug, wince 'n tug... (Rounded, sloping and narrow shoulders + big tits = straps that never. Stay. Flat. Hates 'em, we do.)
Brings to mind the time I was lifting a microwave onto a shelf-I work retail-and my bra broke in two. Flung open like swinging doors! And of course, not a safety pin in the place.
Been there, done that. Can't decide what's worse - a second set of auxiliary breasts coming out of the top of my bra, or an odd, oval uniboob when wearing a minimizer.

Seriously, though - get thee to a professional bra fitter! Once you find out what size those girls really need, you can buy lingerie with abandon and it'll lift, separate, and be your friend. Well, maybe not that last part, but still...
Okay, now I have to send your link to all my girlfriends ...
I can *so* relate. This is right up there with the front hook bra that picks the worst moment in time to go.... UNSNAP!

got my yarn, LOVE IT!!!
Oh, man. I love the song, and love everyone else's stories, too. We all have had bra mishaps, but I do particularly like how you've put yours to music. Thanks for the laugh tonight!
Holy shit, that was hysterical! I actually sang the whole thing in my head as I was reading it. Classic!
Why, oh why did I have to read that first thing in the morning? Now that song and your twisted lyrics will be stuck in my head all day. I feel your pain, though. It took me years to find a brand of bra that actually fits me, and just my luck they cost $60 a pop.
(*sneefle snork* while trying to restrain major guffaw)
My coworkers thought I was having an asthma attack. I had to share. Now whole area sounds like they're having an asthma attack.

I've not encountered the mammarian escape but a friend did while playing Katherine from "The Taming of the Shrew". One boob kept escaping her corset when Petruchio grabbed her or threw her around. She just tucked it back in, only to have it pop out again. It made for great laughs.
I will never read your blog at work again - male bosses cannot begin to understand why this is hilarious
( . ) ( . )
I remember those as being particularly wonderful boobs. Please take better care with them.

(did yah miss me?)
Great work.
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