Friday, January 05, 2007



No really. Rats.

I think there is a rat in my house.

I was at work last night, as always, when I got a phone call from my Dearly Beloved.

Him: Oh, hi, bla bla bla something.

Me: Well I'm just sitting here saving the world but I'm so glad you called. I guess you got my message?

Him: Uh, no, I didn't check the machine.

Me: OK, well, bla bla things. I guess you just called to say hi?

Him: Yes. Oh, and um, to tell you I saw something sort of in the corner of the living room and I think it's a rat.

Me: Oh god, I hope it didn't go poop in my wool. I'm pretty sure I heard scrabbling a day or so ago. At least we know what and where it is now. That's what you get for living in the woods in a house with holes in it. So, um, what did you do about it?

Him: Well, I called to tell you. I thought you should know.

Me: Yes, and now I know. And what did you do about it?

Him: I called you.

Me: I see. And what are you going to do now?

Him: Well I thought I'd go to sleep.

Me: Well. Uh, thanks. Sleep well. Make sure all of the doors are closed so it can't get into my studio again, or into any of the bedrooms and I'll see if I can find it and chase it out in the morning. If not I'll buy some rat poison later in the day but I'd really rather hit it with a shovel.*

Him: OK, good night.

My fucking hero.

So ... I get home at 7am (should have been 6:30 but it decided to snow last night, what joy) and all of the doors in the house are OPEN, not closed. So the rat (if it was a rat) may be here. It may have left (not likely, it's warm inside), it may be in any room of the house. It may in fact be gnawing on my child or pooping in my wool.

Oh yes, and besides all of the interior doors being open, there was an open bag of pretzels on the bed where I sleep. So not only am I going to be sleeping in a bed full of crumbs, I may well also be sleeping in a bed full of rat.

But it's all just fine. No really. Fine. I don't mind at all, carry on.

I shall be spending the next three days cleaning house, screaming (because I'm nowhere near as tough as I seem and I'm pretty sure I seem seriously un-tough to start with), hauling stuff to the dump and rat-hunting. Should I be unable to kill the little fucker by Monday then I'm calling for the exterminator. Dude, I hope it's not Arnie.

* please note, I am not a good Buddhist. Mainly because a) I'm not really a Buddhist although I flirted with it a bit about 16, 17 years ago and may well continue the flirtation some time soon, and b) I'm not convinced rats are sentient. Doesn't sentient mean self-aware? I'm pretty sure none of them have had their consciousnesses raised and all.


ain't that just like a man? mine would do the same thing. assbeagle!

good luck exterminating the rat, but not the kid or the wool. not sure about the man, though....

here is a good exterminating (verification) word (reminds me of the old "batman" tv series): paazog!
Ack, nasty ratses...yech.
Hope you flush the little fucker out of your house...soon....may it go far far away.....I once had an opossum in the house, it hid out in the boys' closet during the day (no, they didn't use the closet much) then by night it would roam around the house, eat cat food, sheesh.
Borrow a terrier, cat or ferret for a week. You keep your Buddhist flirtation intact and the cycle of life looks after nasty little rats.

My Mr. makes me kill all the bugs. Especially spiders.
When you say "little fucker", did you mean the rat? Cuz I wasn't sure.
DH is the one who's allergic to cats, right? (sorry to bring that up, but he owes you) So, if he was the cause for the removal of the old Rat Removal System, I think it only fair that he BECOME the new Rat Removal System, or get used to sneezing again.
I so agree with pacalaga's comment, "...if he was the cause for the removal of the old Rat Removal System, I think it only fair that he BECOME the new Rat Removal System..." Amen.

Having just seen Eragon, you could get a baby dragon. They like rats. Hmmm...might be hard to come by... Get one of those ugly hairless cats. or

Then again...they look rather uppity. They probably consider fresh rat beneath their social status. LOL.
Oddly enough, I had a rat conversation yesterday.

Male Coworker: I thought you'd want to know, I saw a rat in So-and-So's office this morning.

Me: What did you do?

Him: Well, I was standing there, waiting to talk to So-and-So and this rat came booking around the corner.

Me: Yeah? So what did you DO?

Him: The rat looked at me, stopped short, and slipped under a cubicle wall.

Me: Focus here -- WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?

Him: I must say, he was really a gorgeous shade of grey.

Yup. Assbeagles, the whole lot of them.

And not to change the subject, but my word verification for this comment is "hqmfats." I find that hilarious so clearly I am desperate for entertainment.
oh, ugh! I hates rats!

And I had to laugh (with exasperation) about your phone conversation . . . my Hub did similarly once when we had a mouse in the house. I ended up being the one to set a trap for it, and once it was caught, dispose of it. Bleh.
I'm with Pacalaga and Tally!!! Make him spend the weekend rat hunting.
Love Pacalaga's comment.

One more reason to lament the no-kitties rule. Of course, we have 3 and they actually go out looking & bring their rats IN to the house in the first place, but I digress.

I futz about using poison, so use a trap instead. Trap shdn't accidentally hurt someone it shdn't, plus you know where the little critter died. Poison, they could wander off into a wall or something. Bait it with a glob of peanut butter, tho, instead of cheese. Seems our lower mainland rats are perhaps vegetarian or something - pb works every time.

From a person who is allowed to avoid spiders but is expected to deal with rodent carcasses & bits.
As you're cleaning up, look for poop that looks like Good N' Plenty pieces. That's what our exterminator told us. Rice is mice, Good N' Plenty is rats, and bat shit looks like rat shit, but its sticking to the attic walls.

Good luck!
Ewww! Rats! I'm on board with Pacalaga et al. And I agree about the no-poison cause you don't know where it died problem. If its a big rat anddies in your wall, it might stick up a storm!
Oh, I think rats are definitely self aware, and all too aware that we pose no real threat to their lifestyle. Our town has a real rat problem (because there are alleys running behind all of the residential streets, garbage gets picked up there, and the asshats who live here don't seem to know what a proper garbage container is), and one night in my first year living here I startled a rat that was chewing some garbage a neighbour had oh-so-considerately placed in the sidewalk; it took one look at me and went back to its chewing, while I edged closer and closer, saying "hey rat! hey rat! I'm close enough to kick you now, rat!". When I realized it didn't give a rat's ass how close I was and was not afraid of me at all, I hightailed it outta there.
ah I hope you catch the rat. On the loose they can be a menace. I actually have two rats as pets. They make very good pets, but I would never let them wander around the house cause they chew and eat everything. Funny thing is we had a mouse in the house and had to set a trap. We have pet rats but can not have a mouse in the house. Hehe
Our rat extermination system (specifically, Ed and Tippy and Missy, the outdoor felines) is pretty effective but we still get very bold raccoons. Same as Jodi's rat--they look right at you and keep eating the garbage (or cat food or whatever). Sometimes they hiss. Mr. K graciously serves as CSI when the extermination system does a body dump on the back step. But still. Rats...ewwwww. So sorry, Rabbitch. I'm thinking tough thoughts your way.
In South Carolina, we lived in a rental house that was very permeable, and we had rats. I like to think of myself as a tough, independant, capable woman, but the day I came home and found a rat stuck to the sticky trap my husband put out and staring at me with its rat eyes, I freaked the hell out. Happily, a retired policeman neighbor (Lou) came over and dispatched and removed it for me. I don't recommend sticky traps.

The theory of rat poison is that the little fuckers get thirsty once it kicks in, and they go out to look for water. That's probably just a comforting lie.
Blogger said my last comment didn't stick. Fine--I have found what I was looking for now. I have one of these and although it's generally meant for rat poison, it works also for snap traps so that one's pets (or children!!) can't get to the trap. Snap traps, they are the best. Humane, too; I swear, they never know what hit them. Bait it with a piece of dog kibble glued to the trigger or to a small piece of cardboard, lodged in the trigger. GL. I hate rats.
Poison is a bad option, because they eat it and then go off someplace like between your walls to die and give off the most GODAWFUL assbeagle odor.

Traps. And, um.....GROSS. I hate them. HATE!
The one thing the Ass-Headed Bottom that I am married to is good for is killing mammalia of the rodent variety! And he is VERY good at it! The secret? Peanut butter! Yep, if you put out traps with peanut butter, the little vermin are willing to commit suicide, just to sniff the freakin' stuff! We generally get a mouse or 10 each spring with the rain (this land used to be a cotton field) and a rat or two every time the neighbor cleans her garage (you wouldn't believe what lives in there!) Between suicide a la peanut butter and drowning in the pool, the rats cut us a wide berth! Happy hunting!

Would you like to borrow one of my cats for a few days? The big grey stripey one is a mighty, mighty hunter. As evidenced one night while we were watching TV and he brought us a (still live) mouse. The DH had to deal with it, after much protesting on his part - as I'd dealt with a LOT of "gifts" while he was away on an extended trip. And it's HIS cat, after all. Why are men such wienies?
Girlfriend, three words:

Canadian Pest Control

They solved our dreadful THREE YEAR mouse problem (Not sure who to steal from here, but both ASSBEAGLE and Ass-Headed Bottom seem appropriate names for the spouse who thought "he could handle it). I finally lost it when I found droppings in my NEWBORN'S baby bed and on his change table and demanded he call professionals.

Anyhoo, long story short, they came, they murdered, they conquered. They have a six month guarantee, they put poison death meal in a box everywhere (impenetrable by both house pets and small people) and that's all she wrote. We saw one lowly mouse about eight months later and hubby couldn't get on the phone fast enough! Heh heh, I laugh every time I think about him stomping it to death on the stairs! Clearly I am going to hell also. See you there Rabbitch?
P.S. It's the kind of poison that dehydrates them and they basically turn to dust, so no smell. Horribly, viciously cruel, but no smell!

Is anyone else getting the crawlies here?
As a terrified 8 year old with a shovel in a chicken coop, I beat a rat to death. TMI?
Yech. Protect your child. Rats bite. Rat bites are often septic.

One thing, you are a renter. If your initial ratcatching efforts do not succeed, you can always get the landlord to bring in a professional death squad. Recriminations are unlikely if your house looks reasonably tidy.
Maybe Canadian rats and mice are different; the poison kills them here (USA) but they stink to the skies almost immediately.

I agree, call the Canadian Pest Control. You don't want to waste time - rat sh*t is nasty stuff and very hard to remove, and they will nest in your wool and in any fabric or fiber they can find.
Pest Control ... worth the money. Rats are biters and will sneak up while you & your family sleeps. Let your Uncommitted Hubby know this. He could be the first to get bite ... watch him sleep with one eye open. They are desease carriers. Poison doesn't drive them out, only lets them die right in your home [in your wool]. Kill & Remove! Ugh.
With the mention of rats, husbands, and poison in the same post - I have become confused and worried that you are using this rat fright to justify going on some kind of exterminating spree of your own.

As your friend, I am legally bound to encourage you to think about it - oh, I mean, think about why that would be wrong. smile.
What has evolution done to North American men that they retain the urge to BBQ, but not the urge to defend their property and family from vermin?

We have just got to start putting testosterone in their pretzels.
I have no more useful advice to add to all the worthy advice you've gotten so far, so I extend to you my deepest, most sincere, heartfelt sympathy. I would be scared silly. But I also think a part of me would like whacking a rat with a shovel... but I'm not sure. Your husband may be noncommitted to hurting them, but mine would catch and release...
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