Thursday, December 14, 2006

 

Oh Sweet FSM, The Child Asked


So my daughter is fascinated by babies. She loves them and always wants me to tell her stories about babies and about when she was a baby and how she grew in my tummy and all.

I've explained to her that she didn't actually grow in my tummy but in a special place called a uterus that women have for the purpose of growing babies. She thought that was sort of cool ... a second tummy just for babies.

I knew it was coming, but it would seem that last night while I was out at work, she asked her Daddy how the babies got INTO the mummy's tummy.

*gulp*

He explained to her that there was an ovum and it got fertilized by sperm from the daddy and then it created one cell that got planted in the uterus and grew into a baby. And then she wanted to know how the sperm got from the daddy to the egg.

So he told her that the daddy had to put his penis into the mummy. She knows what a penis is, seeing we've explained the different bits to her.

And she said "REALLY????" And he said yes.

There was a long silence.

And then she said "REALLY???" Because she was pretty sure he was telling some sort of horrible joke.

And he said yes.

And there was another long silence.

And then she said "eww, gross" and changed the subject.

He told me all of this when I got home from work this morning. I told him that I'm still not sure it's not all a horrible joke, but thanked him for explaining it to her.

Christ.

WHY was it I wanted children again? I'm just dreading the explanation about menstruation. And how babies get OUT.

Shoot me now.

Comments:
Having delivered all my kids by C-section, I have neatly sidestepped the whole "how do they come out" question by talking about my operation. Now, when the subject comes up, one of my kids invariably says something about "that's when the doctor cut you open like a watermelon, right, mommy?"
 
Surely there are books where one could just point, avert one's eyes and refer all follow on questions to the family doctor.
 
as a child who, at 8, was told "I wasn't planning on telling you this until you were about 12 but I guess I have to now" and then handed a booklet published (no lie) in 1954 with a perfunctory "ignore the stuff about the man always being on top," I thank you for being honest, however uncomfortable that may be. My mother's version of "the talk" led me to believe that oral sex=french kissing until I was IN HIGH SCHOOL. Yeah, the booklet explained that wonderful act as "using one's mouth to stimulate a partner's genitals," but I read "stimulate" as "simulate" and in my brain went "oh so like when the tongue acts like a penis and the other person's mouth acts like a vagina."
 
Too funny! I needed a laugh, and bou did you provide it!
 
Wow -- your kids are just a spectator sport. That's funny. Thanks for the giggle.
 
ROFL! Good job on him for taking care of it! Somehow, I did the menstruation talk right. When I was done, my daughter (8), was so excited she checked her panties for weeks. Yay me! My mom let the school tell me.... *sigh*
 
They all say "eeuw, gross" at first, but believe a parent of teenagers that when your daughter is a teen you will be very glad this conversation took place. From the time mine were small I have always called things by their proper names, and now we talk pretty openly about sex and why it's a bad idea to have babies until you grow up and get a job. These are things that you WILL want to be able to talk about when she's 14 or so. I got the "pamphlet" sex talk when I was about 15 too, and it didn't do me much good. This is better.
 
LMAO - work a lot of overtime for the next five or so years, and maybe he'll have to field all the hard questions.
 
A friend of mine prided himself on giving his son, one of two children, a lengthy and descriptive explanation of just exactly how sex happens, what goes where, etc. He was flying high until his son looked at him in horror, looked over at his sister, and then said "Geez, Dad. You mean you had to do that TWICE?"
 
well, if she knows what one is, she probably assumed it was only used to pee, ergo, in her mind, he peed in you! which yeah, who wouldn't think it was gross. and well, since we're all being so open, if you think about it too long, it kinda IS gross. Now you just have to hope that the precocious Miss EB doesn't do what I did, and go explain it to all the kids at school... ;-)
 
The younger of my two daughters overheard "the talk" at a very young age when it was being explained to her older sister, who had asked. Daughter-the-younger immediately went from always wanting a dozen kids to saying there was no way she was EVER going to have ANY kids.

She's expecting her first now. They grow out of the "Ewwwww" part.
 
My niece's 10-year-old son remarked recently, 'I hope I never have to deliver a baby, because you have to put your hand in the woman's vagina.' My niece couldn't think of anything to say.
 
Scary thing is, they go from eeewww to ooooo way to fast.
 
You won't have to deal with menstruation for a few years. My two (5 and 6) have already asked about how the baby gets OUT (not interested yet how it gets IN there - I think the "growing" thing has them thinking a baby is an appendage.) and I told them that when a lady is growing a baby, her body grows bigger, and a passage into the "baby tummy" (their words, they saw a model at the doctor's office when they were getting vaccinations for school) gets bigger too, so the baby can come out when it's ready. No need to give them the gory details yet, as they seemed satisfied with that answer. But your husband did a great job! Most men just say "erm, go ask your mama" and turn red when their daughters ask them such questions.
 
On a more serious note - there is a wonderful book called "Period" that is EXCELLENT for explaining menstruation and all the physical and emotional ramifications of it. I can't remember the author right now, and my copy is upstairs.....you know how that goes.

I have been recommending this book to parents for 25 years now and it is still my favorite. And, it explains periods, not sex, not pregnancy, not anything else. Just periods. Great book. The right information at the right time.
 
Oh, ROFL... But really, sounds like you both did a good job.

My brother got 'the talk' from my dad when he was 11-12 or so, I think. (This *was* in the mid-50's.) It became a family joke. Dad sat him down, embarrassed as hell, and said, "I wanted to talk to you about sex..." My brother said brightly, "Sure, Dad, what do you wanna know?"

Smartass. [vbg]
 
Yesterday, after coming out of a public restroom, my 10 year old son asked me what a blow job was because he saw it written on the wall. Joy.
 
My mother was always very open with us about that stuff and I have endeavoured to be the same. My teen just got her first bonafide period recently and I haven't stopped hearing about how "awful" and "gross" it is! Umm...did I skip the part where it ain't no picnic? I didn't think so.....
 
i've already gotten past the menstruation talk with my girls, yippee! they're 21 & 22. i'll let the boys find out on their own, lol. if they haven't learned it at school. they have a class called human growth & development, and liam came home with a worksheet talking about STDs. oh boy!

and i let mark have THAT talk with the boys.

i always told both girls everything at the same time, because they were 15 months apart, and i didn't want one to tell the other one incorrectly.

so far i'm not a grandma, so i suppose it worked!

and i about screamed when i read that!
 
Heh heh! My wee bairn is almost 17 now but anytime she asked questions on such topics I was always very careful to be clear that I understood specifically what she was asking. FSM knows I don't want to give more info than she's looking for and thus freak her out even more! Sounds like daddy handled it very well. Now the two of you should have a shot or two of a REALLY good tequila to help with your well-earned trauma :D You know how they teach you the funny breathing when you're preggers? It's much more helpful now than it was during labor!

btw-aforementioned truly lovely daughter now states, only half-joking, that she will not have sex until after her first child is born. Which is entirely possible if she adopts her first! I know she'll probably change her mind, but I love that she is willing to say it and entertain the possiblity. Having that to fall back on also seems to give her confidence in telling boys to shove off when needed.
 
The six-year-old son of a friend of mine, when hearing about babies, penises and vaginas said he was glad he was a boy because "things might fall into" a vagina.

Gives a whole new slant to the baby question, don't it?
 
I always read your blog but don't comment. Today I have to -- this was so funny. Reminded me of a 3-year-old years ago who gave me a methodical grilling while I was pregnant. "Where's your baby now?" with eyes riveted to my pregnant belly. I pointed in confirmation. In an amazed earsplitting shriek: "YOU ATE YOUR BABY???!!!" Oh God, why me?
 
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