Saturday, November 18, 2006


Wheeling and Squealing - the TMK Story

I'm trying to come up with good titles, just in case they ever make this into a Movie of the Week or something.

For those wondering about The Wheel, it is, as Ryan mentioned in the comments, a Schacht (single treadle), and truly a thing of beauty. I am having trouble imagining exactly what acts of perversion I would commit to have one for my very own. I suppose I could just buy one but that's not nearly as much fun. And considerably more expensive.

So back to the story.

Yes, dear readers, even though TMK is a mighty woman, able to bend steel girders with her mind (or at the very least with a steel-girder-bending-machine) she has One Great Fear. I had encountered this before during The Great Hamburger and Screaming Fest of aught six, however it had inexplicably slipped my mind.

After negotiating the perils of Drunken Assmuppets in Seattle Traffic and having been suitably washed by Frankie, I settled in for an enjoyable evening of pizza and salad. (and silliness. it may shock you to know that there was silliness involved) As I was about to go into the kitchen for a piece of pizza I stopped dead in my tracks. "Remember The House Rules" was roared out in commanding tones. For a minute I almost lost control of my bodily functions.

You see, I believe that TMK was perhaps attacked by a flock of roving mayonnaise as a child (I'm assuming that the thing with the birds was from being attacked by A Flock of Seagulls) and has, to this day, retained an overwhelming fear and loathing of that particular condiment. To the point that she has a need to instruct houseguests as to the care and use of mayonnaise before each and every meal in which mayonnaise may be present, or even mentioned.

Rule 1: Mayonnaise may be used but a utensil, once having touched mayonnaise, must touch Nothing Else. It must immdiately be washed or, even better, ceremoniously set alight.

Rule 2: Nothing that resembles mayonnaise must go near any food that is not the food on the mayonnaise-user's plate. There is no excuse for dripping or slopping. Transgressions will be dealt with harshly and immediately. and you likely deserve it, you dirty mayonnaise-user

Rule 3: Anything that looks like mayonnaise probably is, and needs to be kept away from TMK and anything she may touch for fear of swooning. This includes, but is not limited to, mayonnaise, any white salad dressing, cold cream, Crest toothpaste, hand cream and most hair conditioners. And possibly mustache wax.

You see, we had ordered Caesar salad along with the pizza and the very sight of the dressing had driven her into a tizzy. Seriously. Paris Hilton confronted with her very first outhouse could not have reacted with greater hysteria.

We managed to calm her down (somehow this was accomplished by my drinking the only beer in her fridge -- a Fat Tire, highly recommended) and retired to the living room with our pizza. I believe those who chose to eat the salad were required to do so in the garage but really, it's a small price to pay. If only for the sake of Finland.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I am pondering exactly how you drinking a Fat Tire would calm TMK. Boggles the mind, really. And so to bed.
That killed me. Thanks for that. I've seen that in action. Ha!

(Really, isn't saying hahahaha in an email rather dumb? But it's all I've got because I refuse to LOL. Ever.)
I believe my husband has the same set of rules about mayonaise.. I wonder what his childhood trauma with it was?
I also wonder if the "Assmuppets of Seattle" drive anywhere near as bad as the idiots on the roads here in Atlanta.. because that would be pretty terrible.
Well, thank God that you were there to drink the last beer. Who knows what would have happened if not!
I totally understand TMK's plight; mayonnaise is, after all, disgusting. I don't believe it's caused by any childhood trauma, but rather that some of us have already evolved into higher beings who understand the evil and grossness of the stuff better than the rest (sort of like those dudes in Star Trek who spontaneously evolve into blobs of light while everyone else stands around in their normal body, suddenly made evolutionary throwbacks).

And yeah, I freak out whenever we eat veggie burgers and am always sticking a new knife for the mustard into Peter's face before he can stick his mayonnaisey knife in there (and the poor guy usually doesn't even want any mustard, but I do it anyway).
Poor TMK! Poor you! What on earth did that bad white cream do?
TMK - I assure the M*racle Wh*p is SO much worse and TGF swears by that evil an vile stuff.
OMG, I don't think I've laughed so hard all week! Poor TMK. Substitute "cheese" for "mayonnaise" and I could be her twin. Maybe I should think about drafting a set of House Rules...
So I take it that downing a BLT, dripping with that oh so lovely white condiment, would be unaccepable?
I'm extremely gratified to see I'm not the only one who feels the way I do about the vile white stuff in a jar. Jodi gets it! Viva, mayonnaise-free world! ;-) TMK
We have the same rules in our house for "mustard"... nothing can be cooked with mustard, contain mustard... etc. So, I have to brush my teeth after having mustard in order to remove it before getting within a 3 foot radii of Dan. It's funny,but it's what we do. :)
There's nothing funnier than a butch who goes all squealy girly-armed over something. I had a gf who was very butch but couldn't stand spiders. I had to pick them up with my lacy hanky and set them free outside.
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