Thursday, November 02, 2006


Clearing Up a Few Things. And Some More Lying.

Firstly, the answer to a question from months ago: VooDoo, if you're still reading, yes, I would have been interested in your swift, but I suspect that the postage would make it prohibitively expensive. We have had some fiscal unpleasantness Ch├ęz Lapin this week (no, I seriously don't want to talk about it) so there may well be no purchasing of anything for the rest of the year. Or next year. Possibly including food (i'm exaggerating here, at least about the food). If you can find someone else to take it, that would likely be best. I shall continue to use the back of my office chair, which works remarkably well.

(thank fsm for a huge stash -- at least i can knit and spin from that for a long long time without running out)

To the people who asked about my yarn source, I think most of the stuff I had pictured sitting on my stove was Henry's Attic Superwash. Diva Knitting (look on my sidebar) carries it, and her prices and customer service are both excellent.

Regarding the sexual deviance: Elaine, Leslie, Ryan and TMK-you are still unrepentant perverts, so it's all good. Well, apart from the going to hell thing. If you get there before I do, would you please save me a seat by the dance floor? Ginger-You're walking a fine line there. If you also wear a lot of flannel I think you should just accept the inevitable and come to the dark side. Ms. Knitingale-it is well-known that there are no lesbians in Redmond. You're safe. As is your husband. Gaile-you know me too well. Shut up.

Also with the Gaile questions, we did not have to go to someone else's house to pee. MaryB has an admirable bathroom in full working order. Frankie, however, who is a small dog who had been in the house all alone and in the dark for days and days (according to her) needed to get outside for a bit, and she was over at TMK's, as she wasn't invited. Cats, you know. And she doesn't knit.

For anyone wondering about hats, I have 21 of 'em now, I think. Or maybe 22. I'll have to do an update tomorrow after I make it to the PO box again. I also have more prizes.

And for anyone waiting for wool or stitch marker updates, despite the comprehensive proof of the stress/eczema connection (my hands are trashed, bigtime), I have skeined up some of the blue, which I desperately want to call Koala Twat, and some more purple. Making some more stitch markers tonight and hoping to update the sidebar tomorrow, if I can remember how to work my stupid scanner.

And now ... back to the story.

We last saw our heroine (shut up, it's my blog, i can be a heroine if i want) trustingly starting up her faithful piece of shit van and following Ryan. Into the middle of Seattle, right after a Huskies game.

I managed to follow her for a few blocks, and then they started with the merging. People were merging right, left and centre. And I'm Canadian. I had to let them in. It's a well-known fact that Canadians spontaneously combust if they don't let people merge in traffic. (and besides, i know all of you americans have guns and shoot people in traffic. a lot.)

Suddenly I noticed that although my lane was going left ... Ryan's lane was going right. I didn't panic in the least, however the same cannot be said for Miss R.

One of the many things I should have explained to her is that although I have frequently said I could get lost in my own bathroom (and I do, I'm not joking about the total confusion. I've even gotten lost going to work and I've worked there for five years.) I can also find my way to and from anywhere. I even got lost in Japan. Twice. In the wrong city. And I just wandered around in circles until I got back to where I was supposed to be. It's completely impossible for me to remain lost. My first husband used to refer to these little jaunts as "shortcuts". One such shortcut turned a 3 hour journey into just over 8 hours one day ...

I just sort of said "ho hum, I have an address and a phone number. I have lots of knitting and that bag of winegums remains unopened. I should be just fine to get there as long as I don't cross over to the wrong side of the highway, and in the worst-case scenario I can always get a hotel and just knit all night. Or hell, knit and eat wine gums by the side of the road until it's daylight and I can see what I'm doing."

Did I mention I have lousy night vision? Um, well yes. Nevermind.

So, as I'm tooling along in this insane Seattle traffic, I suddenly realize that yet again the entire world turned right when I curved left for a second time, and I was somewhere under a bridge. Or a highway overpass or something. Anyhow, I thought that I'd take the next right and start heading back in the correct direction. Unfortunately right about the same time, the knuckle-dragging mouth-breather in the big white truck (you knew I'd get to it eventually, didn't you?) right ahead of me realized that he, too, was under a bridge in the middle of East Buttfuck. Unlike those of us who had not been drinking at the Huskies game (i have no way to know if he was drunk or sober, but i don't think they make stupid quite that bad so i'm just assuming here) he decided not to take the next right. Or the next left, even. Instead he pulled off to the right into the driveway of some sort of business and then quickly lunged back onto the road in preparation for doing a U-turn and going back from whence he came.

Without bothering to check if those moving objects behind him -- you know, the ones with the lights -- might be cars.

Unfortunately the laws of physics did not decide to change for his convenience, and two solid objects still cannot occupy the same space. Being somewhat better-acquainted with this concept, I immediately slammed on my brakes. As I slowly slid towards his vehicle, I had two thoughts. One, that I wasn't going quickly enough to ram the engine block back into my legs, and two, that I was heading straight for his driver's door. And that perhaps it was just his time.

Clearly I owe some sort of outrageous favour/blessing/something to the gents who fixed my brakes back in May, as I managed to stop about 4" from his door. Literally. It can't have been much more than that.

He just looked down, saw that he hadn't gotten smooshed, SMILED at me, the motherfucker, and then finished pulling his U-turn and went on his merry, drunken, car-smashing way.

Although, as a Canadian, I frown upon public outbursts, I must admit that I tootled him (scroll down). Vigorously.

next chapter: how dogspit cures everything, and doing it for Finland. and oh yes, i'll talk about the spinning

Very interesting - I get lost which is why I never go any farther than I have to.

But I really need to know what you are doing for Finland - my favorite country in the world!!!
Koala twat...oh my sides hurt from laughing....
Wtf are winegums???

--and I call it "the scenic route".
I deny everything. Most especially the Finland parts.
You still don't get it do you? We Americans have the god-given right to drive drunk and/or badly because we invented cars. OKAY?? No matter what the germans say (nazis!) it was us. And if a few foreigners' cars get smashed up, well that's the price they pay for all the favors we've done them through our fantastic foreign policies programs. You should all be thanking us, you know.
Maybe it's a Janice thing. I'm the same way. I have a miserably horrible sense of direction, but I can find my way anywhere. Evenutally. Sometimes u-turns are involved, but at least I check for oncoming traffic.
You may have been spending too much time with koalas my pet. I just hope they've kept those claws in.

I owe you an email. If I can stay awake longer than the boychild I'll get to that. I have till the end of the month to get hats to you, right? Number 2 is going on the needles this morning.
This almost getting hit is not your fault...your car is apparently equipped with the same invisibility field as mine. This is the only way I can explain my getting cut off in traffic while driving a large blue Chrysler station wagon. Except in my case, the intellectually challenged individuals in my encounters do not smile, but flip me off and scowl because I had the nerve to be in their way.

Anyway...regarding the hands, can I suggest a couple things? I don't know if they're available in Canada, but here they are: My daughter used to have bad eczema on her cheeks and she had success with Eucerin or Cetaphil cream. It also seemed to help when she increased the oil in her diet (take flaxseed oil capsules). When my hands get chapped and irritated in the winter or from washing a lot, the BEST thing is Cornhusker's Lotion. If you can't find it where you are I'll send you some. It looks...unappetizing (kind of snot-like) but it WILL fix hands that are cracked and bleeding. Another good lotion is Bag Balm. (Yes, it is indeed originally developed for cows' udders.) Bag Balm even helped my dog when she was scratching her back bald after a new shampoo didn't agree with her.

Oh yeah, knitting...being on a financial situation yarn diet blows. No argument. Hopefully your stash is enough to keep you going for a while. I like your hat drive idea (it's cold enough in OH, I can imagine it must be worse for a homeless person in your area). So I will get a hat or two sent soon.
Koala Twat - I love it!

I am also directionally challenged; however, I do not have your ability to eventually get unlost. I don't usually go anywhere without someone to direct me.

I have 3 hats ready for you and hope to make a couple more before the end of the month. I love that you are doing this. For the last few years I have made hats for the homeless in Boston and brought them down when hubby and I go for a few days for our anniversary, but we aren't going this year. Glad to have another outlet for them.
I thought I was the only person who could get lost in their own bathroom!

I second the corn huskers lotion. My mom carries mail and in the winter her hands crack and get nasty. She uses the corn huskers and she heals right up.
Please oh please tell us wtf wine gums are.
And we only shoot people like the guy in the white van. (Well, I suppose I can only speak for myself there. Some are less discriminating.)
I particularly like "Go soothingly on the grease road, as there lurks the skid demon." Where DO you find these sites? And what prompts the Googling of them?
I used to work in a yarn shop run by a Finnish woman. I'm waiting with baited breath.
Not lost....'journeying'. I know your misfortune shouldn't be my entertainment - and, honestly, I feel real bad about it, but my near cult-enthusiasm for your updates the last week are starting to spook even me. Please, put me out of my misery.
The guy in the white truck was thinking evil thoughts when he was smiling. "Heh heh, she's just a Canuck, she won't do anything." He wouldn't have smiled if your car had Idaho plates.

I can sympathize with you on the eczema. I've found that cold water dunkings when they itch calms those nerves down. Yeah, you freeze your hands, but I'd rather they be cold than itching.
I'm FAMOUS for making sharp u-turns into other people's driveways in the middle of nowhere. Just ask my passengers that came with me to Rhinebeck. How do you think we got into Morehouse Merino Farms so quickly? It was my fancy schmancy u-turning!!!

I'm surprised he didn't yell at you and call YOU some nasty names (as if it was your fault, because obviously for Americans it's ALWAYS the OTHER driver's fault) which gives EVERYONE the right to call the other driver a stupid-blind-mothafucka-got-yo-license-in-a-ceral-box-asshole while they turn red in the face from yelling it at the top of their lungs out the window!!!

So, it's TOTALLY your fault for not having FORESEEN that he would pull the u-ey.

LMFAO! Love your blog, btw!
Forgot to add: My son was born with eczema. I make natural bath and body products. Used to sell them actually but closed shop until further notice (basically until I buy a house and move out of my NYC apartment!).

I make soaps and creams, too. Particularly one called Heavenly Hands. I would love to send you some to help. I have eczema on my hands and it's the only thing that helps.

Email me if you're interested and I'll whip you up a fresh batch!
Thank you for the valuables info from the internets linkage. Henceforth I shall go soothingly down the grease roads to avoid the lurking skid demons. Or perhaps I shall tootle them with vigor. ha! I lived in Japan for about a year when I was in middle school, and the link brought back many silly memories. Among my favorites- "Hello nice schoolgirl. You will perhaps to make we photos with small yellow boy?" We were at Tokyo Zoo and a group of Japanese girls wanted me to take their picture with my adorable green eyed, blonde little brother.
takes one to know one babe. Damn, you had a close call there - glad the Fates were looking out for you! And I can attest to the fact that you indeed do have enough stash to get you through the next month and maybe even December. And I need to get up to see you before then dammit!
two things. what the hell is a winegum?

and i mailed thehat yeterday
Did you hear oinking from that truck? Because that man sounds like a distinct pigfucker.
Glad that you made it out ok.
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