Monday, November 21, 2005


Ass Masters of the Frozen North

I have long considered the Canadian Film Industry to be horribly underrated. All three of our films (The Tale of Augusta Gloop, Who Wouldn't Eat Her Soup -- the well-known cautionary tale adapted for screen -- cast, directed, filmed and edited by me in 1971; Sphagnum Moss: The Creeping (But Very Absorbent) Enemy, circa 1963; and of course Ass Masters of the Frozen North, 1976) have seldom received the attention they deserve in the international forum.

(Note: Should you be involved in the Canadian Film Industry, please do not write to me to point out the many other exciting productions filmed in this country. They are all allegedly set in San Francisco. That makes them Non-Canadian. Go away.)

Having not had a major Canadian Film produced since 1976, I believe it is time to rectify this situation. I therefore propose a remake of Ass Masters, seeing it is the only title that we have ever been able to come up with that has any sort of marketable properties.

I have managed to raise a budget of seventeen dollars and believe that we are well-prepared to rise to the task.

Therefore, I am sending out a request for abstracts of this proposed work. Please send them to me via email by midnight, Friday.

I look forward to your submissions.

Two things.

1. I'll toss in another 2 dollars if you'll put one of my kids in it, but keep them away from the asses.

2. I know you said you didn't want to know, but I take direction badly and do what I want.
Brilliant Canadian movie, filmed in Canada, without pretending to be anywhere else. Holllywood/Bollywood.
But you don't specify if this is to be a porno! With a title like that one would think so, but them I'm not Canadian so maybe I'm missing a joke...?
Does it HAVE to be "Of The Frozen North"? Because I know of quite a few people I'd like to nominate for a role in your film, but they're mostly here in California.

I have $1.72 to contribute to your production.
I'll give ya $2.35 (Canadian, even!) as long as you hire my brother as the cameraman. He's got this great Bolex...
Strange Brew doesn't count as a major film, eh? It was made in 1983. *grin*
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