Thursday, August 18, 2005


A Roast To the Bride

I was going to write a post about how I went out to lunch with this very neat lady today, one with whom I have been speaking online for nine months or so but with whom I have never previously met up, but dude, it was going to be all about coffee and cake and stuff and ended up being about a VERY bad lunch culminating in one of us finding a dead fly on our plate underneath a hamburger and being very sick, and really, it just wasn't great. She's fantastic. Denny's should burn in hell, even though they didn't charge us for her lunch. I mean, we've rechristened the Denny's at Burrard and Robson in Vancouver as "Satan's Sphincter". The coffee sucked, also.

Any time you're on Weight Watchers and want to create a "negative points" situation, I would highly recommend going there. From what I hear the bathroom wasn't even clean enough to be ill in.

Dude. Not ok, especially right downtown in a city that makes a huge amount of its income from tourist dollars.

So instead, I am going to talk about a friend's wedding (to which I was surely invited but the invitation got lost in the mail and I was working that day anyhow so I couldn't go).

My friend, Kate Hammett-Vaughan, got herself hitched just recently. (As an aside, Mr. Hammett-Vaughan's last name is Smith; therefore she is now Kate Smith. I keep waiting for her to start waddling about belting out "Gawd Bless AmeriKUH". She will, too, if you buy her a couple of drinks. It's pretty scary.)

Anyhow, as my invitation got lost in the mail, and seeing I know that Kate would have wanted me to do a speech of some sort, because she doesn't know hundreds of interesting people who can do that sort of thingie far better than I can, I thought I would just post my roast toast to her here, so that she doesn't miss out and such. (And yes, I'm going to send her this link. She will likely hunt me down and kill me for it.)

When I first met Kate, six years ago, she was a tall, thin, beautiful, internationally-recognized Jazz Diva. Now, after all this time, she is still a tall, thin, even more beautiful and even more internationally-recognized Jazz Diva. Dude, you'd think she would have moved on from that. I mean really ... six years? Honey, you should learn to type or something. Drop me a line, I'll give you the name of a good career counsellor. This success stuff has just got to stop. I think I know a place that's hiring, too, if you can get that typing speed up to par.

Kate and her sweetie met online, from what I understand. Now, we all know the evils of meeting men online. Some of them are real creeps. My first husband taught me how to access that internets thingie, and I'll tell you, he thought that the guy I met and ran off with was a real creep. Ten years and one child later, I'm inclined to agree.

I think, however, that Kate's got herself a winner, and at least she was smart enough to run off with a man who lived in the SAME FUCKING COUNTRY ... *koff* ... but I digress. This isn't about me.

Although I was unable to be at The Blessed Event, I would like at this time to share the most touching love poem that I know. The name of the author has been lost in antiquity, but the words have held true throughout the ages.

Please excuse me, I always get a little choked up when I read this one:

If you're happy and you know it,
Clap your hands.
If you're happy and you know it,
Clap your hands.
If you're happy and you know it,
Then your smile will surely show it.
If you're happy and you know it,
Clap your hands.

And so, Kate and Guy, as you embark upon the puddle sea of matrimony, I hope that your boat floats, that you're happy and you know it, and that you always have the clap. Um, or something. That came out wrong, didn't it?

Cheers, baby.

LOL!! I'm sure she's now svery sorry you could not attend...
What's wrong with meeting a guy on the internet and running off to marry him and live in another country? ;-)

Especially if he's a curlyheaded smartass cutie...
Oh you are just too funny!!!

My favorite wedding song is ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST by Queen.

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

My husband introduced me to the internets and chat too...and has regretted it ever since.
Bahahaaa....I wanted our DJ to play "I Wanna Be Sedated" at our wedding, but she couldn't find a copy. So we danced to the "Masachism Tango" instead - I even have a picture of me with a rose clenched between my teeth ;-)

Marriage is a very serious occasion, dontcha know.
No coming from you, you said it exactly right. I almost fell for it however. Before I got to the if you're happy part, I actually thought there was gonna be a smooshy love poem thingy. I should have known better. Forgive me for thinking such a thing.
If I ever get married, I will make sure to invite you to do the toast, you do it so well.

And the lunch thing - that is why I never eat when I go into Vancouver, you just don't know what you are going to get.
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