Tuesday, October 12, 2004

 

Word to the Wise


If there are any gentlemen reading this, you more than likely find women to be a complete mystery.

That's all right; that's how we planned it. All is well.

But there may well come a time when you need this vital information that I am about to impart. IF, one day, your wife or significant other comes out of the kitchen, looking distressed, and admits that she just let a pan burn dry ... that in fact she BURNT WATER, here are the steps you must take.

She will come out yelling, "Oh my god, I burnt WATER. You have to be a complete fucking moron to burn water, don't you?" The obvious answer is "yes", however this is a trick question. The future of your relationship hangs on your actions and words in the next few minutes.

Bear in mind that this is a woman who prides herself on being able to prepare a banquet for seventeen with nothing more than three hot dogs, a box of snack crackers, a package of liquorice and a bunsen burner.

The only correct answer, and one which you likely haven't thought of yourself (which is why I am providing this information as a public service) is to yell "That FUCKING stove!" If you rent, the next line is, "Why doesn't that cheap sonofabitch get that FIXED?" If you own your home, the next line is, "I'm going to call those bastards tomorrow and tell them that if they can't sell us a stove that works, I'm going to SUE THEIR ASSES! Where do they think they get off, giving us a malfunctioning piece of crap like that?"

Then you must put your arms around her, inform her that you really would like pizza anyhow and then -- this is the important part -- you must either carry her or lure her, depending on both the weight of your wife and the nature of your relationship, into the bedroom, where there must be much oral sex.

YOU will be the one performing this. Not her, don't even think of asking. We know you're always wanting it anyhow, but at this point your needs are immaterial. During this oral sex, you must be aware that she may well be ranting about the burnt water. Pay no mind and keep your focus on your task.

After she has calmed down, you must buy her pizza (with YOUR money, not hers, even if you share a bank account). This pizza must have the toppings that she likes, even if you like pepperoni, mushroom and double cheese and she wants arrugula, feta and raspberries. Then maybe you should go and kick the stove a couple of times. And bury the burnt pan out in the back yard. (No, putting it in the dumpster won't do.)

You're welcome. I've just saved you six months of marriage counselling.

(And yes, I did burn water tonight but I didn't tell my husband, because I am a Rabbitch of Steel).

Comments:
Ho, man, that was some funny shit! I think I'll let my DH "happen upon" your post while it's sitting on my laptop tonight.
 
Thank you! I think that's the biggest compliment I've had all month.

Only tryin' to help, you know ...
 
Brilliant. This should go in all textbooks so all little boys grow up with this wisdom.
 
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