Wednesday, July 21, 2004


a special kind of stupid

This is going to be a very long rant. It may bore you but hell, it's my blog, k?

My day has been a complete and utter train wreck. The kind where you don't let your children look in case there are body parts or old ladies' underwear hanging from the trees alongside the tracks, and such.

Yes, I used to read a lot of horror. Why do you ask?

Got up ...

Wait, I lie. That was the beginning of the problem. Let me start again.

MEANT to get up, got involved with some cat-smooshing, fell back asleep. Woke up at 8:10 or so (I start work at 8:30) shouting some words I'd rather not have my daughter repeat. Showered, got into 'polite' clothes, ran out the door only to discover that there was less than no gas in the car.

I was unable to blame this on my husband, seeing I had been the one driving the car last night. Tried to blame it on him but even I couldn't make that one stick, alas.

Got gas, got part-way to work, realized that seeing I'm the only one in the office in the summer, I would need KEYS to get into the office. Yes, those keys that were lying in my desk drawer behind the locked door. Those ones. Called the maintenance people at work, got them to open the door before my arrival. I've worked there for seven years and I only lock myself out maybe once a year, so I managed to get this accomplished with a minimum of teasing and sweaty-armpit-type grunting.

*They* were grunting. Just wanted to clarify that.

OK, so after all of these tribulations, I make it to work only 17 minutes late. There's nobody there to be aware of this, however I used to have an absolutely vicious problem with punctuality -- still do, in fact -- and I work incredibly hard to find ways around it, so I'm truly pissed when I don't manage to get in on time. I mean, they pay me for the time so I should likely work it, no? Never mind that they owe me 10+ hours of overtime at the moment.

Anyhow, the morning was relatively uneventful (apart from the four to six tons of paperwork that seems to be inhabiting every flat surface in the office at the moment) and I got lots done. Solved some medium problems, created some small ones (for others, of course) and opened dialogue that will at some point help me work towards fixing a problem that is so large it's damned near crippling the department.

I'm an action kinda rabbit, can you tell?

Talked to the web master, offered my completely unsolicited advice on how he could improve something that at least 8 other people are working on, and for which my opinion hasn't been asked and, more than likely, my skills and experience are not suited.

He took it well. He's a saint.

Then came lunch. I usually like lunch, seeing it involves food. I live about 3km (just under 2 miles) from work and often take one or both of my coffee breaks in combination with my lunch so that I can go home and have a sandwich rather than go somewhere and pay $7 for a Bowl-O-Lard (tm).

Are you bored yet? Tough. I'm not done whining.

There are two roads I can take to gain access to Chateau Lapin, and it would seem that they are working on the road I chose. This was hardly a surprise, as they've been doing it for weeks and they've been advertising it with four foot neon glowing orange signs for months. Nonetheless, I managed to forget, and had to take a detour to get home. No biggie, added five minutes to my journey, got to kiss all of my beloveds, chat to the neighbour, make lunch and leave. Everybody else around here had gone home for lunch also, it would seem, and were taking the one road I could take OUT of my home back to work. Took me about 25 minutes to get there. Yet again I was late and there were people waiting for me this time. Fortunately they were people with no power and for whom I do things to make their lives easier, so there will be no hassle springing from this excessive tardiniess but really ... twice in one day ...

Oh, if only I had the power to fire me!

But it gets worse. I got an email from my neighbour saying that she had gone over to check her laundry (I let her use my machine) and that my daughter was sitting alone downstairs watching TV, the door was unlocked, and that my husband was asleep upstairs. They were concerned about this and had taken her home to watch her until I got there.

I was concerned too, and as soon as 4pm rolled around I shot out of there like a bat out of hell. I'll take the 1/2 hour off my overtime, to hell with it, my four year old kid is more important.

I arrived home prepared to break a bottle of "what the fuck?" over my mofo lazy-assed husband's head and then to ask him to pack and leave, seeing that was child endangerment and I wasn't going to have the Ministry come take my child away when I'd waited 38 years to have her in the first place.

It would seem that Little Miss TruthfulPants decided she would rather hang with the girls next door, so when my neighbour asked her where Daddy was, she said he was sleeping. When the neighbour asked if she wanted to come over, she went upstairs, asked Daddy (who had gone up for a minute to answer an email but who was fully alert) and then when he said yes, she could go, blithely came back downstairs with no concept whatsoever of the turmoil she had caused.

Fine. Dandy. Of course I had made an appointment to go across town and pick up a donation of blankets and stuff for that charity thingie and was late. I raced out of the door, only to get stuck in ~another~ traffic jam. At this point I'm starting to suspect that maybe I was someone bad in a past life. I mean, not Hitler or anything, but maybe the guy who invented panty hose ('cause I all think we know the gender of the person who thought up THAT little joke).

I get to the place I'm going, only an hour or so after I had intended. We sit and chat for a while and then I get ready to leave. I pull out my Great Whack of Keys (tm) , and proudly point out the big-assed black clip that I use to attach them to my purse, so that I don't lose them. I then promptly drop the keys in the kid's carseat, move stuff around so that I can bring home the blankets and a Radio Flyer Wagon that my friend gave to my daughter, take the carseat OUT of the front seat of the car, put it in the trunk and slam the lid. With the keys still in it.

After much trying to locate some alleged trunk release lever (seems they don't have that in the model I drive, although it's in the FREAKIN MANUAL, a little consistency here, people!) and trying equally fruitlessly to find some way to access the trunk from the inside of the car, I give in and call a locksmith.

An hour and a half later and $103 lighter, I make my wiser but somehow not any more joyful way home. Arrive at 9:30pm. Dinnerless and smelling like a goat's ass after having spent well over three hours in the car today in 80+ temperatures.

I'm now home, the family is in bed, the door is locked and I think I can claim I'm relatively safe for the 31 minutes left to me of this day.


On a good note, I've decided to have another mid-life crisis, and it's going along swimmingly. I'm pretty good at it, having had one already, however I think this one may take a slightly different tack than the last one. Last time (in 1996)I bought $300 worth of fancy underwear, got my navel pierced and then asked for a divorce.

I decided to start with a new 'do and have gone from this:

to this:

I've also given myself a bikini wax (don't try this at home kids, you'll just end up with your crotch stuck to the cat and a lot of 'splaining to do.)

Thinking of a tattoo and have lost 12 lbs. Who knows what other madness may come about?

We just won't discuss knitting today except to say that I got about 8 rows of my daughter's blanket done before the cat started eating the yarn last night. Ah well, after all, tomorrow's another day ...

If there is an award for the worst day in the world, I think you just won. Congratulations!!

Sincerely love your blog! Not many can make me laugh that hard...not at you, just near you.
I'm pretty sure the guy who invented pantyhose has reincarnated as Courtney Cox's Laundry lady. I mean, think about the stains..never mind, don't think about the stains...

My sister (a hairdresser by trade) tried saving money by self-waxing the Cho-Cho. She chickened out after adhering the cheesecloth. Last I heard, the hair was almost long enough for the fabric to be cut away. Great post!
Gah! Now I'm thinking about the stains!
what stains??
(and I'm not anonymous, I'm sophie)
Thanks for visiting, sophie. See, I told you I was mad. As for the stains ... well ... I just don't want to think about it. You don't even know who Courtney Cox is, do you? *g*
Dude, you should totally get a tattoo. I'm getting another one next month. But you should wait until I come visit again and we can go get them together ('cause the one I'm getting next month is only one of two that I have planned).
You're on! Tattoos 'r' us.
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