Saturday, August 21, 2010
As Ah Was Comin' Doon The Stair
Ah met a blog that wasnae there
It wasnae there agin' today
I wish tae hang it gaed away.
*knock*knock*knock*
"Hello?"
"Hi, I saw your sign outside."
"About the blog?"
"Yes. You found it lying in the street?"
"I did. Oh god please tell me it's yours and you've come to take it away."
"Well, it might be mine. I've been missing it for a while. Is it sort of ... difficult?"
"It is, and I'm so desperately sorry I ever laid eyes on it. If it's not yours, I'll give you $20 to take it off my hands. It's been in the bathtub for ten days now, drunk as a loon. I'm out of Cheetos and beer (which are the only things it'll eat) and it's now singing obscure songs in a broad Glaswegian accent. It's broken the computer, I think the cat's pregnant and the carpets will never recover."
"Oh man, that sounds like my blog. I'm so very, very sorry."
"It keeps going on and on about some lumberjack that it had a grand and gritty slam with in a Denny's in Portland, and how it won't tell the story until someone named Rabbitch comes back."
"Ah. Yes. That's my blog all right. I'm Rabbitch."
"Please, I beg of you ... I'll do anything ... take it back."
"All righty then. I'll take it, and thank you for rescuing it. I'm so sorry about the damage ... to the computer, the cat, the upholstery ..."
"Oh, fuck. The upholstery too?"
"I'm afraid so. Oh sweet FSM ... I do hope that most of this blood is yours."
"Blood?!?"
"Um. Nevermind. It's all good. I'll just kick down the bathroom door and put it in this sack and we'll be on our way. Thanks so much for the help. No, no really, you can keep your $20. I suspect that you'll need it for the repairs."
"REPAIRS?!"
"Uh, I meant for a haircut. I'll just kick down this door and put the blog in a sack and be on my way. Thanks so much for the help."
"You can't just ... Oh. Apparently you can. Bye, then ..."
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Drown the Bastage!
*ring*ring*
"Huh? Mmph ... hello? Hello?"
"Oh hi, it's me. We have a problem."
"Dude do you know what freakin' time it is?"
"Yeah, I know, I know, but this couldn't wait. Like I said, we have a problem."
"What kind of problem?"
"Well, you know that blog we found last week?"
"I don't like where this is going."
"There's a problem with it. I can't make it do what it's supposed to do. I named it George (see tagline) and I hugged it and squished it, but now I can't make it tell stories. And it's making ... demands."
"Demands?"
"Well, sort of orders. And there has been biting."
"Biting?"
"Yes, when I wouldn't bring it another beer and some Cheetos. And it's been in the bath for three hours now! It says it won't tell any stories until some rabbit comes back but the rabbit's busy dyeing wool for a bear in Michigan and the rabbit's father had a mild stroke and she has to move house and she's too busy to come back and now I don't know what to dooooo ...."
*sobs*
"Hang on, hang on. This blog said it belongs to a rabbit?"
"Yes, I think so."
"And now it won't tell any stories until the rabbit comes back, but it wants Cheetos and beer and it's lying in the bath?"
"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. What do I do?"
"Fucked if I know. You've found Rabbitch's blog. I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole. If I were you I'd wait until it's had enough beer and then drown the bastage in the bath!"
"But ... but ... it's so little and cute and it says it's just a simple knitting blog! How could I drown it?"
"Quite frankly, I suspect that it would manage to kill you before you killed it. I'm gonna hang up now. Buddy, you're on your own with this one."
"But wait! Don't leave me with ..."
*click*dialtone*
