Friday, April 18, 2008


I Wonder What That Pays

As you know, I seldom discuss here matters of a biological female nature, as it were. I believe that's best saved for whining on LiveJournal.

However, the other day I had to go and purchase what my local drugstore euphemistically calls "feminine paper". There's nothing feminine about this. In fact I don't know if it's paper, either.

Anyhow, that's beside the point. What startled me (apart from the cost -- my holy FSM, shouldn't these be free? It's really adding insult to injury) was the description on the package. (Heh, I almost said "box". I giggled for a while before I deleted it. As I've mentioned before I'm clearly only 12.)

Writ large on the side of this product was the designation "Pro Comfort".

Uh. Yes.

"Pro" can be used in several different ways. It can be used to indicate that one is in favour of a particular subject (the anti-choice loons, for instance, call themselves "pro life") and I would certainly put myself in the group of those who are in favour of comfort being something taken well into consideration when manufacturing things to shove things up one's jahoobie.

"Pro" has also been used at times to refer to ladies who make their living by "waiting for the bus" on the street corner but I'm pretty sure that had nothing to do with this.

The main use, however, at least in my realm of experience, has been to designate that something is "professional". Now, I don't know anyone who does this professionally but I can just imagine the conversation. I have found that usually when I meet someone in a social situation and they say "what do you do?" they mean to ask what you do for a living. Most folks don't want to hear that what you do mostly is make pancakes for your daughter while wearing penguin jammies and write odd poems to cats having surgical procedures (I'll post my Ode to Max tomorrow, to prove that this is something I do.) They want to know what you do for a living.

Them: So, what do you do?

Me: I'm a menstruator.

Them: An administrator?

Me: No, I'm a professional menstruator.

Them (looking frantically about for someone to rescue them from the conversation): Oh. Um. Well, is there a lot of call for that sort of work?

Me: No, I can only really get four or five days a month, but I'm thinking of subcontracting for a service in town. Totally drains you, though. I just couldn't do this full-time. Bloody hard work, it is.

Srsly, dudes, if they pay for this I'm owed 34 years of back pay. If anyone knows where I should send the claim, would they let me know?

When you find out, let me know, OK? I figure I'm owed a lot of decades back pay as well.

Heh. You said 'jahoobie."
ACK!!! laughing so hard.... yeah, I'd be owed a bundle, we're talking a good 7 days bloody hard work each and every month for... 39 years... and that's not counting the 'extra' while going through perimenopause when you bleed for 21 days. oh yeah.
Now *that* was better than coffee. Seriously, I think I just snorted my brains into gear for the morning. And believe me, I'll take my back pay, too: every month for 25 years, plus that whole entire month that I had my period in the year after Older Daughter was born (can you say "messed up hormones" with me?). That should involve some kind of danger bonus or something. (I triple dog dare you to say that you're a professional menstruator the next time someone asks, btw...)
If I had known it was a profession, I'd have held off doing my histo last year.

Thanks for the morning giggle.
Thanks for returning the snort. Jahoobie? LOL

They're called papers up there? Down here, they're called a pain in the jahoobie.

I haven't been a pro (at least not in that sense) since I was 27, when I had the entire works ripped out of me while I was hanging upside-down in the operating room. I only know this because I woke up halfway through the surgery (I had a cold - they just knocked me out with Valium - no general) and later validated what I thought was a drug-induced dream with my doctor. Turns out he was a dope addict who got me hooked, too, but that's another story...
You save that for LiveJournal! ROTFL [I've actually never used that before. You are too funny, Rabbitch.]

And I agree, since my teens, I've thought those products should be free. And I also strongly believed (and still do) that people getting "welfare" or other "assistance" {my country, doesn't really give either -- the usa), should get EXTRA money if they are female because of the high cost of these products. Have you ever compared the cost of cotton balls or Q-Tips (yes, even the name brand) to the cost of tampons. It's absolutely outrageous. There oughta be a law.

Thanks for making me laugh on a day when I definitely needed it.


charlizeen on yahooooooooo
Wait a minute -- 21 days during perimenopause! Why oh why does no one tell us any of this? Ever? I also recently learned that peri-men. can cause hair loss! WTF? Seriously, where can I get some good info on this. I'm so shocked by the few tidbits I've accidentally learned to make me really scared about what I don't know is ahead..


charlizeen at yahoooooooo
I've always had an issue with my "Aunt Flo" and recently had to have a D&C because of it...I'd had it since THANKSGIVING. Perhaps this entitles me to some sort of overtime benefits package?
I am retiring from being a professional menstruator. I'm a little concerned about losing my benefits. The US government doesn't do much for those of us who have to take advantage of early retirement.

That said, I am looking forward to hanging it up. I will not miss the paperwork one little bit...
Yeah, I saw that too. Paper????? Umm, whose genius idea was that?
I'm not a radical feminist by a long shot, but I remember reading Gloria Steinem years ago and she was making the point that if men dealt with that particular occurrence every month, "paper" would be free, one could claim sick days during that time, and men would be comparing flow as a badge of honour! All that aside, I think what irks me the most is the fact that "paper" is TAXED. I mean, is this product actually a luxury? (Hopping off the soapbox now. Sorry.....)

Do I live under a rock? Paper? If men were professional menstruators, the supplies would be government subsidized. I forget which way it went, but when I was a teenaged cashier in Mass, either pads or tampons were taxed, but not the other.
I also am on the track to retirement. Sadly, it doesn't come with a pension.

(Or maybe that's "luckily"...?)
Down here we have a brand who has a tagline of "Have a Happy Period". "Happy period", my lily white ass!! That used to make me so mad - but now I think I am finally officially retired and it's WONDERFUL!!!
I just came here today (Wed. 23 April) from Mel's place and was scrolling through - this "Pro" piece is wonderful. I am so happy to have a private office because they'd have locked me away otherwise. Thanks for the laugh.
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